True Vision Coaching
Sam Grear
Success Coach
Our society
celebrates the unselfishness and caring of the giver.
The givers of time, money, sweat and emotions are placed in
such high regard by our media and community that many people search
out the opportunities to be recognized as a hero or savior.
For some, this search is motivated by a strong desire to
avoid being the recipient of help.
Being seen as a burden on others is as great a fear as any,
yet much harder to identify because this fear works on a
sub-conscious level.
It’s acts as a cover for the fear of needing to be saved themselves.
What happens is
that drive to help, help, help will often cause one to sacrifice
themselves in the meantime.
If all or the majority of your time and energy are invested
in others, how much time and energy are you able to invest in
yourself? This can
create an endless cycle of you helping others and forcing others to
help you after you have worn yourself down to illness, fatigue or
injury. Not taking care
of yourself actually becomes a burden on those around you.
It sucks being a burden on other people and feeling like a
charity. It’s degrading
and demoralizing. So in
an effort to thwart this feeling, we overcorrect the issue by giving
to others to the extreme.
This is the
example of how a drowning man cannot save another drowning man.
If you don’t take adequate time and energy to keep yourself
in good condition physically, emotionally, and spiritually, then it
will become increasingly difficult to be a savior when the
opportunity comes around.
If you don’t take any time and energy whatsoever to keep
yourself strong, then you are destined to become burdensome on those
closest to you. This
last example is the most disruptive and frustrating because it is
not fair to those closest to you, it is not helping you in the long
run, nor is it allowing you to be at your best for those who need
you.
Most likely
those closest to you understand that you have a good heart and want
to be a blessing to others.
They know they can count on you to be there when needed.
Your responsibility is to be ready when called upon.
That means that you must take some personal time to recharge.
Take “me” days and pamper yourself from time to time.
Coddle yourself with a day at the spa, a round of golf or a
getaway weekend on your own.
The point here is to re-center yourself and nourish your soul
so when the opportunity arises, you may give everything you need to
instead of everything you are capable.
If that isn’t a win-win scenario, than I don’t know what is.
Then it happens.
Your golden opportunity to confidently unleash your carefully
planned remarks and it comes out as an emphatic, “Oh yeah?”
You totally freeze.
You walk away sheepishly only to spend the next half hour
going over and over the event thinking that you could have said this
or that. How you should
have taken control and pounced like you did in practice.
All right, you
caught me. This is what
I have done and I am hoping that I am not the only one.
My point here is that when the time has come in our lives to
communicate to other people, especially those close to us, many of
us clam up and stay quiet.
What I’m talking about here is the important conversations
that many of us avoid because they are either uncomfortable topics
or we are worried about a negative response or reaction.
It may be the
“birds and bees” talk with a daughter. Maybe there is a lie
that was caught and needs to be confessed.
Perhaps relationship boundaries need to be discussed with a
spouse or a friend.
Regardless, we know these “scary” conversations need to take place,
yet we often put them off until the last possible moment, even
though we are sure we will feel so much better afterward.
Why are we so
afraid to communicate with each other?
Whether it’s spouses, friends, parents and kids or employees
and employers, we all know how much better these relationships would
be with better communication, don’t we?
We all have things we would like to say to someone, yet we
often will use any excuse not to say it.
I know I am just
repeating a lesson your parents barked to you a hundred times when
you were a teenager, but I think it’s a lesson worth learning again
and again and again.
The only approach to best handle this issue is to do it right now.
Do not wait until just the right moment, because that time
seldom comes. Every
minute spent worrying, is one less minute of relief that it’s over
and done with.
Do you think
you’re perspective of yourself is accurate?
Do you think your opinion of yourself is realistic?
How does this opinion compare to other’s opinion about you?
I would bet it is much different.
The way we look at ourselves is so skewed.
The way we gauge ourselves to the world is so unfair.
What is considered “normal” in this society is actually a
rather high bar to reach for most.
How
many 14-year old girls struggle with who they are?
Comparing their status by gauging themselves against others.
That may be against other girls in their class, older girls
from their school or women from TV and magazines.
This is certainly a very difficult issue with all of us, not
just for teenage girls.
If we never
compare ourselves to others, how can we know if we are continuing to
make progress? If we
compare our financial status by comparing to Bill Gates, it can be
rather discouraging.
Yet if we continue to compare our success to those who don’t possess
the same level of talents and potential as you, it may actually slow
your growth. Unfair
comparisons can be very damaging to your self-esteem as well as to
your progress.
When I was on
the cross country team in high school, our coach would point out
people on the other teams that had previous best times about 30-40
seconds faster than our own and told us to stick with or beat that
person. He did this for
a very specific reason.
He didn’t want us to be discouraged because the leaders were 3
minutes ahead of us, nor did he want us to hold back and be
satisfied beating an inferior runner.
The result was that we continued to push ourselves to improve
a little bit each race.
So determining a
true idea as to how we stand as individuals is the key.
I believe perspective is everything when it comes to
happiness and self-worth.
Because of this, I also believe there is no such thing as
reality. Since we all
interpret our surroundings so vastly different, who is to say what
is true, correct or real?
The same applies
to your self-worth. Who
is to say how you stack up against others?
Who is to say that you need to stack up against others in the
first place? The answer
can only come from you.
Your looks, your brains and your talents are comparisons that you
can elect to make or not.
And if you choose to make these comparisons, then be most
careful as to whom you are gauging yourself against.
Here we go!
The rat race is up and running again.
Fresh enthusiasm for the New Year and the onset of seasonal
work and business can be exciting, yet exhausting at the same time.
Like many people
last year, you probably found yourself spinning your wheels just
trying to keep up with the work of daily life.
Between your job and sleep you had to tend to errands,
chores, soccer and football practice, lawn care, friends, family and
occasional play time.
Often feeling like your life was an endless collection of activity
leading you nowhere fast.
Looking
back over the last year, do you feel you worked very hard without
really accomplishing anything?
As soon as one activity was finished, you were racing off to
the next? That feeling
is not at all uncommon.
A full life automatically creates huge demands on our time and
energy.
Frustration
probably surfaced repeatedly because you wanted to feel like you
were accomplishing something worth while.
Even though you may be able to look back at the last year and
be proud of some of the strides you and your family made, the
treadmill of life probably didn’t let you enjoy it along the way.
You may be sitting there thinking that there is little or no
feeling of satisfaction for all of the small jobs you did well.
I know what I am
about to say may go in one ear (or is it eye?) and out the other,
and that you have heard it before, but a journal may be just the
ticket to giving you a feeling of satisfaction!
Yes, many of you
may feel that keeping a journal is rather juvenile, or that only
teenage girls should keep diaries, but the fact of the matter is
that a journal is very helpful for certain personality types and for
many personal issues.
For this
example, I would like to suggest a different kind of journal I call
a “disposable journal.”
For this you don’t need to keep a book in the nightstand drawer for
someone else to find, you don’t need to be a creative writer nor
does it require an hour to compose every night.
All you have to
do is use a small pad of paper and make a detailed list of
everything you accomplished during that day.
Recalling all the small steps of progress you made toward the
bigger goals in life.
This can include a list of all of the phone calls you made, or the
people that you spoke with to resolve problems, etc.
After you are done, simply toss it away.
The job is done.
The point of
this exercise is to quickly show yourself that you did make progress
and that your time and energy were not wasted.
I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal, but please believe
me, it can have a significant impact on your daily productivity.
You know as well as I do that you don’t want a blank list at
the end of the day tomorrow!
How can we
possibly be productive in our lives when we have kids, e-mails,
ringing phones, meals, errands, chores and who knows what else
pulling us in every direction but forward?
It’s no wonder we often feel like we’re just spinning our
wheels. Every time we
turn around, it seems like we have yet another distraction hindering
our life’s progress.
Whether we’re talking about our career, our relationships, or our
hobbies, distractions will always be lurking.
It would be
great if everybody had a personal assistant to run your errands and
answer your phone for you.
It would be nice if enjoying some quiet time with the
significant other was as peaceful and spontaneous as it was
pre-kids. But that is
not how most of us live our lives.
It now becomes a task to find a way to relax and unwind.
Trying to muster the time to rekindle the relationship is
tough. Having the
energy to spend quality time playing with your kids seems
impossible.
The fact is, if
you are going to deal with life’s endless barrage of distractions
and obstacles, and certain amount of focus, planning, and sacrifice
is warranted. Couples
need to plan time for themselves away from the everyday.
This doesn’t mean you have to go hike the
Sacrifices
should be made for the more important things, like your kids.
I know I wrote that kids can be a distraction, but enjoying
quality time with our kids will often get sidetracked by other
distractions. Planning
this time with them, whether they are aware of it or not, is vitally
important for both children and parents.
Most of our
lives can be enormously more rewarding and fulfilling if we make an
honest effort to simplify our lives from these distractions.
By thoroughly examining where much of our time and energy
goes, we can find a multitude of ways to cut out wasted effort and
stay focused on the task at hand.
For instance, allow the phone to go to voice mail when
watching a movie, or check your e-mail just once or twice a day.
Perhaps your day would be better spent at the park playing
catch with your son than mowing the lawn.
The options and opportunities are endless.
The point is to prioritize.
Figure out what is truly important and deserves your time and
energy and allow this focus to override the possible distractions
that erupt. Efficiency
and calmness in your life are so much easier to come by when
simplicity is the rule.
Sure, there are
times that I search for something a bit different, but do you think
I actually put something new in my cart?
No. I always
seem to find a way to talk myself out of it with an “I’m not sure
how to prepare it properly” or “I doubt the kids will like it” type
of excuse.
Not only that, I
find we go to the same restaurants where I’ll usually order the same
things I already know I like and again wonder why I am unsatisfied
with the variety in my diet.
Where am I going with this?
Well, I have
noticed that many of us do the same thing with our social life.
I have had several clients tell me there are unsatisfied with
their social life. They
claim their life is dull and unexciting.
My question to them is, “Do you ever try something completely
new and different? Do
you suppose it is your lack of options or your failure to try new
things?” Often we find
that they are stuck in a type of “social rut” where they find
themselves doing the same thing and seeing the same people every
time they leave the house.
Perhaps you have
days when it seems like your life is boring and there are times when
it seems you do the same “exciting” things every weekend.
Maybe variety is not exactly the word you would use to
describe your social life?
If this is the case, step out of your comfort zone just a bit
get out there and try some new things.
You could take a
class, whether that’s a karate, dance or history class.
Take in a rodeo,
concert, or symphony that you never considered before.
Go to an establishment that you always avoided before.
You never know who you might meet, what you might learn, or
what you might find exciting if you don’t try it at least once.
If your life is indeed a little stagnant, maybe it is time to
visit a different aisle in life’s store!
I love
surprises. When someone
comes up to me and says I have a surprise for you, I have nothing
but positive expectations.
What could it be?
It could be something fun or something I really needed or
wanted. If the bearer
of this surprise is excited, I get an almost childish anticipation,
much like my early Christmas mornings.
Some of my best memories involve this same type of
anticipation, which I relate to past surprises.
Do you like
surprises? When someone
comes up to you and says, ”I’ve got a surprise for you,” are you
excited for the possibilities or put on the defensive?
If you get excited, then I would guess that you too have past
memories of pleasant, unexpected gifts.
Even more so, you have a tendency to expect good things to
come into your life.
You are not afraid of changes that might occur in your life.
You have higher expectations of yourself and belief that
things happen for a reason.
On the flip
side, if you do not like surprises than the opposite is likely to be
true. You are most
fearful of change.
Unexpected events have a tendency, in your mind, to be unpleasant or
unwelcome. You do not
expect good things to come into your life and feel like the cards
seem like they are stacked against you.
Perhaps you fail to recognize it even when good things do
come into your life.
Regardless of
which end of the spectrum you lean to, asking yourself this question
can give you some insight into your view of yourself and you
potential. It can show
you if you are generally negative or positive towards your own life.
Most certainly it gives clues to your level of fear when it
comes to change.
The causes
behind a fear of change are endless, but there is just one solution
to overcoming this fear; change itself.
I know, yuck.
But stretching your comfort zone by making small changes is the only
way to get over this fear.
Then by graduating up to bigger changes, you start to gain
more confidence in your ability to change.
With practice, change becomes easy and may eventually become
an addictive lifestyle.
As this evolves,
all of a sudden the good things that were already coming into your
life become much more noticeable.
With this awareness, you will begin expecting these things to
continue coming and they will.
Perhaps you might even enjoy a surprise now and then.
I was young and
dumb, an immature little cuss who thought I was going to rule the
world one day. Everyone
should bow at my feet and give me praise.
Well, maybe this is an exaggeration, but there were many
times when my young ego greatly influenced how I acted towards my
college roommate. The
circumstances surrounding our relationship are not very important.
The fact that I let our relationship deteriorate definitely
is.
It is a
relationship that I most definitely wish I had today.
He was a great friend to have in every respect.
I am sorry to say that it has been ten years since we last
spoke. Why didn’t I
make an effort to reconcile our relationship?
The reason is simple enough, I am embarrassed and ashamed of
how I handled our friendship.
I have always
figured that I should avoid the issue because I am most certain that
he still has ill feelings towards me and he wouldn’t want to talk to
me even if I tried. Of
course this is ridiculous.
Isn’t it amazing how silly things can sound after you say
them out loud?
It is pretty
safe to assume that he is much more mature now as well, and probably
understands where my stupidity stemmed from.
He probably assumes that I have gotten over myself and can be
realistic and sensible in my (somewhat) advanced age.
He most likely has even forgiven me.
This is my
personal example, but this is an issue that every one of us can
easily relate to because there is not a person alive that hasn’t
made a regrettable mistake that has caused friction in a
relationship. Very few
people can say that they have reconciled every meaningful lost or
damaged relationship in their lives.
This could be with a parent, sibling, child, friend,
co-worker, client or any other important person that has entered
your life.
This doesn’t
mean that this person is never talked to again.
Something happens that immediately makes things
uncomfortable. This
discomfort may cause us to avoid the situation by always talking
about other things as if everything was normal, or by interacting as
little as possible. We
choose to avoid the issue because avoidance is easier than
reconciliation. And,
like most things in life, the easiest choice is often not the best
one.
If contact is
actually made, most of the time the perception of ill will towards
each other is not nearly as bad as once thought.
Actually making the contact is not nearly as difficult as one
would think, and the reception on the other end is often much better
than imagined.
Does this mean
that all relationships should be rekindled?
I don’t believe so.
Some relationships end because they need to end, but if
fixing a relationship is avoided because of fear, embarrassment,
anger or shame, then maybe the effort towards rebuilding could prove
very rewarding.
Jazz.
Why jazz? One
day I am driving down the road and I don’t feel like listening to
the programmed stations I would normally listen to.
So I start flipping through the stations and I land on a jazz
station. I have never
had any interest in listening to jazz.
But for that day it was just the rhythm and sounds that my
ears wanted to hear.
This actually continued for several days.
I even temporarily replaced one of my previously programmed
stations with this one.
For the bulk of the time that I tuned in, the question of “why
jazz?” and “why now?” continued to puzzle me.
Then I
realized that this was one of my clues.
Our shifts in normal activities, preferences and interests
are signs of how we are currently feeling.
If noticed and evaluated, these signs can give hints about
our confidence level, annoyances or subtle wishes, wants or needs.
Things in our
lives like the types of music, books, movies, night-life, TV or
friends can give incite into subtle internal issues we may be
avoiding or have not noticed before.
Story lines within books, on-screen or in lyrics can lean
towards a certain lifestyle that is quietly desired.
The pace could be more chaotic which might be a reflection of
how current life is running a bit chaotic.
Maybe there has been a shift towards a more soothing music
and entertainment, meaning that a simpler, more satisfying life is
being enjoyed.
This is what I
think about every time I see a teenager wearing black denim garbage
bags for pants, 16 tattoos, four pounds of “bling-bling” and
listening to deafening, chaotic noise that they claim is music.
It is painfully obvious that most any child with this
lifestyle has nothing but chaos running rampant in the head.
The music, and any other interest, is a reflection on how
this person is feeling on the inside.
Ever lose
interest in friends? It
doesn’t mean that you are a snob.
It might just means that your pace of life has changed.
The cool thing is that this shift in interest for a specific
type of friend can be recognized and used as a sign that your
interests are probably changing elsewhere as well.
Sometimes it might even mean you are maturing as a person.
(Am I the only one that thinks that came across as a bad
thing?)
This allows you
to live life a bit more proactively rather that reactively.
It’s like when you go to Mardi Gras for a week’s vacation
only to realize that the all out party scene isn’t nearly as
interesting as it used to be.
Perhaps a relaxing trip to a secluded cabin next to a
mountain stream was what you really wanted but you didn’t realize it
until after you wasted $35 on plastic beads.
This is just a just a simple example of how you can take
advantage of the subtle clues that are always around you.
Do you have a
good life? I know that
many of my columns talk to those who would answer “no” to this
question, but this week want to speak to those of you who would
answer “yes”. The
person who is genuinely satisfied with the status of his or her
lifestyle and is doing their best to maintain it.
Even if you have “made it” in your eyes, I am here to tell
you that your work is not done.
It really doesn’t matter what stage in life you are in,
maintaining a high level of happiness and fulfillment takes a
certain amount of effort, planning and sacrifice.
If our
universe teaches us nothing else, it shows us that there is no such
thing as “status quo”.
Nothing can be preserved forever and nothing ever remains constant.
Rome crumbled as will the pyramids, eventually.
Fortunes are lost and perfect marriages falter.
I know, what a downer, right?
Well I don’t
mean to sound so pessimistic.
My point here is simple.
If you are truly enjoying your success, don’t stop working on
improving it. The
Whether it’s
your marriage, your career, your family or your golf game, if you
think that it will stay great without any additional effort, you’re
greatly mistaken. How
many celebrities in our lifetime have we seen “make it” only to end
up in rehab 3 years later trying to put their life back together?
As soon as one stops putting in the time and energy to keep
their life moving forward, it begins to rust.
To create this
lifestyle undoubtedly meant that you had to step out of your comfort
zone and challenge yourself in some way.
I do not expect you to take extreme measures and take
unnecessary risks. Yet
I do feel that you should continue to re-evaluate your priorities
and goals. Don’t be
afraid to challenge yourself and continue pushing your comfort zone
little by little. This
way you will keep the paint fresh and the rust at bay.
Just remember that life either gets better or not, but
nothing ever remains status quo.
First glance
into the eyes of a newborn, especially your own child, and it is so
easy to imagine all the great possibilities that come with a new
life. My youngest girl
is almost 3-years old now and still there are so few days when I
don’t ponder her limitless potential.
I truly believe that anything she wants to do, have, feel,
accomplish and dream is possible.
So what is holding her back?
Well, besides being a bit short, her understanding of money
and that alphabet thing, there is nothing to hold her back.
We
could use the same reasoning for all of us.
Once we have reached the physical, mental and emotional
maturity to begin striving for the life we want, we don’t really
have a good excuse.
There are plenty of “unintelligent” people with money.
There are abused people with great marriages.
There are happy people with disabilities.
Regardless of what the “limiting factor” might be, there is
somebody who overcame that same obstacle and prospered.
What’s your excuse?
Somehow our
environment has convinced us that we can only be so successful or
happy. We can only
reach certain heights.
We learn to create limits for our potential and these limits become
a natural defense mechanism created out of fear.
Most of the reasons we give ourselves for underachieving,
settling or failing all boil down to fear.
The great thing
about believing something negative is that we can also believe
something positive. The
brain is not stone. It can
be manipulated into believing anything we want it to.
Since it has already been manipulated into coming to the
ludicrous conclusion that we are limited, than it can just as simply
be manipulated the other way.
Not easy, but simple.
It all starts
with a choice to make perceptual changes.
A decision must be made on your part to commit to making
substantial changes about how you view yourself.
What your role and purpose are.
What you are capable of. Visualize yourself doing and being
more and soon you will start to become more.
Continuous thought and belief that you can is essential.
From this point the ball will start rolling for you and your
focus will shift to new and exciting opportunities that you will
know you can experience.
The point is
that there is no viable excuse for not molding a life you can be
satisfied with. The
only reason you haven’t up to now is your belief system and the
limits personally placed upon you.
Release yourself from these limits and start dreaming of your
child-like potential.
I believe there
are few things in our life more important than the ability to make
good, sound decisions.
Nearly everything that encompasses our lives today is the result of
our past choices. It is
safe to say that an “expert” decision-maker will have a more
successful and fulfilling life than a “poor” decision-maker.
I believe this happens because the “expert” decision-maker
will be much more in control of their destiny.
The fact is that choices will always arise and decisions will
have to be made. If you
don’t make the choices for your life, then somebody else will. Many
people believe they consistently make bad choices and therefore will
often allow others to choose for them, feeling that others are
better equipped to decide.
If you can’t
trust that your choices will turn out well, then fear will
immediately arise when faced with even the smallest decision.
This will naturally lead to procrastination, avoidance and
apathy. Then the
question becomes, how do I become confident in my choices?
Well this is a fairly simple solution.
Practice.
Decision-making improves with practice.
Making choices gets significantly easier with practice.
Our goal here is
to have faith that our decisions, whether great or small, have a
good chance of working out the way you intend.
The only way to gain the trust is to begin making decisions
and observing the results.
Begin with small things like ordering quickly and decisively
from a menu or when clothes shopping.
If someone asks where to go to lunch, answer them instead of
saying “anywhere’s fine”.
Make a decisive vacation choice or pick out a movie in two
minutes instead of twenty.
Whatever decision opportunities you may encounter, make your
choice without worry of missed opportunity and stay committed to it.
The trick here
is to not waver from your decision.
In order to prove anything to yourself, you must stick with
your decision long enough to be sure of the outcome.
If your choice requires a plan to carry out, follow through
with it until completion.
Making little
decisions takes the same effort and faith as the big decisions.
Some choices may be more complicated than others, requiring
more diligence and caution.
But the trust and faith required to carry through on a
decision remains the same.
Make your choice with confidence that you do indeed make good
choices and see it through till the result is apparent.
Eventually you will be able trust your gut instinct to the
point where there are no big or little decisions.
When you get to a point where this process is automatic, you
will find that they are no real choices at all.
You will just be taking the path you were meant to follow.
I went to bed late.
Woke up late. Went to
an occasional class.
Played basketball 4 or 5 days a week.
Partied even more frequently.
I had few responsibilities and I had as much fun as possible.
That was my college experience.
My parents think I squandered it and I feel I savored it.
Who is right doesn’t matter, what does matter is that I would
love to have that kind of freedom and independence again in my
current life. A chance
to re-live those same feelings, and not take them for granted.
But I can’t. Whether I
like it or not, having a family will keep me from living with that
same feeling of independence and freedom that I felt during that
time in my life. I am not 19 years old anymore and I can’t
chase women 24 hours a day, party all week, nor occasionally take my
responsibilities lightly. It’s not that I have zero autonomy
to speak of, it’s just different.
Do I
think about it at times?
Of course I do.
I consider my college years the most exciting period of my life.
But investing time and energy trying to re-live those years
is really a waste of time.
Nothing lasts forever, especially emotions.
We become dissatisfied with our lives because our experiences are
not nearly as exhilarating or passionate as they were when we were
younger. This is almost
the definition of the mid-life crisis, man’s attempt to re-live
their younger, more vibrant years.
The cause stems from not searching out new avenues for
excitement. If we
haven’t found new ways to get inspired and passionate, then our
thoughts revert back to when we were more enthused by life.
What you would do specifically to reach a similar level of emotion
only you can know. It
could be a new career, a new hobby or project, spiritual re-birth or
new found excitement with family and friends.
The point here is to understand that re-living a past
lifestyle may be completely unreasonable and moving forward in your
life has a chance to be even more rewarding and fun.
Setting your sights on a new chapter in your life will allow you to
search out new feelings and emotions.
Finding new ways to be proud of who you are and who you are
becoming will keep you looking forward instead of backwards, which
is always a good thing.
My wife is
someone who hates to fail.
Failure is just not something that she considers an option.
Everything that she does, she does well.
She regularly sets herself up for success rather than
failure. One of the
ways that she does this is with preparation.
Starting the
first day of December, she begins preparing for the New Year.
She sets aside days where she creates lists of goals she
desires to achieve and resources that she has available.
She then draws up schedules and more lists and slowly begins
implementing changes into her routine that will allow her to be well
on her path to completing her resolutions BEFORE January 1 rolls
around!
Think about how
much sense this makes.
When a restaurant or retail store holds their big grand opening
event, they have already been open for several days prior to the
official “Grand Opening” event in order to work out some of the
kinks, so that when it really counts, things will go more smoothly.
Now is the
perfect time of year to do the same thing for yourself.
You know that you have plans and hopes for changes in the New
Year. Why not give
yourself some momentum by starting them now?
Give yourself a couple weeks of practice before officially
taking the plunge.
If you have
plans on losing a fair amount of weight, then you can take this time
to figure out a workout routine you can be happy with.
You can start adjusting your diet slowly in order to pick
healthier choices you can enjoy.
If schedule changes are needed, you may as well try finding
the time now to see what will work best for you.
If you are a
person who can change on a dime, or who keeps every single
‘resolution’ you make, then don’t worry about preparing now.
You can decide your goals in the first slurred minutes of
2005. If, however, you
are like most humans and slow to change, or find yourself struggling
to begin new habits, you can begin laying the groundwork for your
own successes today!
Determine what
goals you wish to achieve, create a plan for bringing them into
reality, pull in the necessary help, and really experience a New
Year a New You! Prepare
to achieve.
Have
you ever noticed how quickly emotions get frayed when the holidays
begin to bear down on us?
Worries, stress and chaos can lead to immense frustration and
even depression. This
seems to occur even more so during the holiday season.
We put an unnecessary amount of pressure and high
expectations on ourselves during this time of year and it becomes so
easy to get down.
For
some people, it is a reminder of past hurt that makes the holidays
more difficult. For
some, it can be the financial crunch of giving that causes anguish.
Regardless of the reason, many of us have a tough time just
getting through this four or five-week stretch.
Sometimes we just need to find a way to keep our chins from
dragging on our chests.
I’d like to offer a quick fix to help us get through the holiday
season.
When
things are getting you down, put your head down.
No, you didn’t read that wrong.
I am not saying that you need to sulk around with your tail
between your legs, or that you lay down and mope, I’m saying, get
busy! Now is the time
to totally submerse yourself in something, anything.
That might mean your work or career or even a project or
hobby that you have interest in doing.
Take this time to get yourself so involved with it that you
don’t have time and energy to stop and think about all the nonsense
that puts you back in a destructive state of mind.
Make yourself too busy to be bothered by the negative
influences, distractions and thoughts.
This
quick busy-ness will force you to be totally in the present.
The best characteristic about living in the moment is that
worry and the stress that accompanies worry, can’t exist in the
present. You see, worry
always stems from what might happen in the future and those thoughts
usually occur because of something that has happened in the past.
So living completely in the present eliminates worry.
Becoming consumed by an activity, and refusing to allow
yourself to wander emotionally, is a way of forcing this to happen.
There is a
downside to this exercise, in that it means creating a feverish pace
when energy may be hard to come by, but pulling yourself out of a
rut is not supposed to be easy.
They don’t pull cars out of the ditch with a VW bug.
You’re going to have to simply tie your ears back, put your
head down, and make the decision to do SOMETHING.
Then, do it continuously and faithfully.
I met this guy
named Jim a long, long time ago. We hit it off immediately.
Although we might not have been the best of friends at the
beginning, we certainly had an awful lot of good times together. As
a much older guy, he became the epitome of the term “Role Model.”
Much of who I am today can be directly traced back to what he taught
me.
Everyone has
role models, whether we want to admit it or not. If one is
considered a “good” person, most of the time there was a positive
example by which that personality was molded after. In contrast, if
one is perceived as a “bad” person, there was either a poor
influence to blame or no influences whatsoever form which to learn.
Jim was, and still is, my role model.
He is
perhaps the most solid person, morally, I have ever known. His
intentions and motives are never questionable. He always puts great
thought into what he says and teaches. He has a great grasp for what
is important for the here and now as well as down the road. He is
the first person I refer to for advice. Regardless of the problem, I
can either depend on him for guidance or anticipate what he would do
or say in the same circumstances.
Numerous times
he has helped me stay my course. Even when he disagreed, he never
stopped caring enough to give his opinion without confrontation. I
regret allowing our friendship to lapse for I often wonder how much
better off I would be if I would have had the maturity to continue
learning from my first and best friend I ever had.
As I try to be a
role model for others, I usually find that emulating Jim is the
surest bet for doing so. I hope you also have a role model to
pattern yourself after. This idea is not just for kids growing up.
As adults, we can never stop evolving as people and having this role
model of your own can keep you going in a positive direction.
I know that I am
a good person and I do my best to live with the best intentions for
me, my family and those around me. I have Jim to thanks.
A few days
before Halloween, I took my kids to Wal-Mart for some costumes.
My youngest was the cutest little green dinosaur you’ve ever
seen! Anyway, while we
were there I caught myself humming along to some music that was
playing. It turns out
it was Jingle Bells.
Jingle Bells? Jingle
Bells! It wasn’t even
the end of October!
What are people thinking?
Aren’t we rushing the season just a little bit?
I remember when
my mom would begin her Christmas shopping the day after
Thanksgiving. I
remember because we were all still turkey-sick and couldn’t leave
the couch, but she would be off and running to hit the ‘black
Friday’ sales.
Society has
certainly sped up, there is no denying that, but should we skip
Thanksgiving? I know
that most families are scattered throughout the country, and getting
together isn’t nearly as easy as it was years ago, but in our rush
to buy presents and to ring in the New Year, is it really worth
missing altogether?
Thanksgiving is
such an important concept, not just the holiday, but the mindset.
Thanksgiving is the complete opposite of entitlement, or
selfishness. Is it that
we don’t believe we have anything to be thankful for?
That can’t be it!
It is really
hard to holler at the driver next to you if you are remembering to
be thankful that you can afford a car.
It is VERY difficult to shout at your wife for leaving the
toothpaste tube uncapped (AGAIN!) when you realize how thankful you
are that she loves you, lives with you and tolerates you!
It is almost impossible to ground your daughter for getting
home 15 minutes past curfew when you take a moment to be thankful
for the time you have your kids under your roof.
How much better
would your life be if you carried thankfulness with you every day?
What would happen if for just one day you remembered all that you
have to be thankful for?
This has become
a hot topic in my house.
My wife’s favorite holiday of all is Thanksgiving.
She takes it SERIOUSLY.
Not the cooking, mind you, but the mindset.
She won’t even allow the subject of Christmas to come up
until the last crumb of pumpkin pie is wiped up!
Lori’s family
had a tradition of writing thankfulness lists in preparation for the
holiday. Then when they
gathered together, they would each read their lists out loud before
they ate. I’ve had the
privilege of seeing some of the old lists, and I have to say, they
bring tears to your eyes.
Words of gratitude and joy and hope fill the pages.
Powerful stuff.
I think a good
dose of Thanksgiving is a phenomenal cure for depression, anger,
self-centeredness and hate.
It would do us all some good.
We need it now more than ever.
Slow down, take
a moment to remember your gifts, and be thankful.
An
old roommate of mine had the cute, fat, lovable dog named Sam.
Sure he was a Pit Bull, but he was cuddly and fun to play
with. Yet every second
I was with him, the thought that I must stay in his good graces was
never far from my mind.
Because I knew that regardless what kind of physical shape he was
in, if I made him mad enough he could remove various appendages
without much problem.
On
occasion I would give him his walk and I would take him down to the
end of the street where a Doberman Pinscher lived within a fenced
yard. It would amuse me
to see the fuss and commotion the Doberman would make towards Sam.
The Doberman obviously felt that he needed to bark profusely
in order to intimidate other dogs.
Sam did not.
It was
astounding to witness the complete confidence and maturity of this
dog. He would simply
trot along the road without a care in the world.
He would only give an occasional look over his shoulder as if
to say to that other dog, “You know as well as I do that if there
wasn’t a fence between us I would tear you into small unidentifiable
pieces”. Instead of
escalating the situation by barking back, Sam always took the high
road. He walked away
from the fight, even though he knew he could do it if he had to.
It was pretty cool to watch.
I
think that every one of us can carry ourselves in this same manner.
I believe we can all take the high road and avoid
confrontation and still walk away with our heads high.
There are still too many people in our society who refuse to
take this high road.
People that believe they must stand up and argue, or even fight
whenever their ego gets threatened.
People who see intimidation as a means of raising their own
self-worth and confidence.
On
the other hand, I don’t believe you should allow others to
intimidate or bully you either.
My hope is that you can understand when you can walk away
from confrontation, yet hold your ground with confidence and
maturity. If this is
never learned, than we become no better than the wild animals trying
to establish a pecking order.
We should be above that by now, don’t you think?
One of the best
quotes I ever heard was from a semi-famous 80’s music star named
Lyle Lovitt. He was
asked, “how does someone like you end up marrying somebody as
beautiful and successful as Julia Roberts?”
His response was simply; “I was the only one that asked for
the job.” What a great
statement that is. How
many times in our lives have we passed up great opportunities
because we didn’t have the guts to ask?
The Bible says
that if we ask for something, “then we shall receive.”
So, if you go ask your boss for a raise, does that mean you
will automatically receive one?
I don’t think so.
What it means is whatever life you truly have a desire to
build for yourself, you are allowed to do so.
You do not have to ask someone else for permission.
It is not up to other people to create your life.
All you have to
do is ask yourself for permission to go after your dreams.
You are the one who ultimately decides what you want just as
you are the one who has to take the necessary action to obtain it.
The question then becomes; Are you willing to do what it
takes to get what you ask for?
Are you willing to make the appropriate sacrifices?
If so, then you shall receive it.
10, 20 or even
30 years from now, are you going to look back and wish you had
pushed yourself to do and become more?
Will you second-guess the decisions you made?
Will you have the satisfaction of knowing you did everything
you could? I will leave
you with a poem from my favorite self-help book of all time called
“Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill to illustrate my point.
And life would pay no
more,
However I begged at
evening
When I counted my scanty
store.
For life is a just
employer,
He gives you what you
ask,
But once you have set
the wages,
Why you must bear the
task.
I worked for a menial’s
hire,
Only to learn, dismayed,
That any wage I had
asked of life,
Life would have willingly paid.”
If you sprain or
break an ankle, the doctor gives you crutches.
The doctor instructs you to make use of the crutches for
about 4 – 6 weeks, or until you can place reasonable pressure on the
ankle with minimal discomfort.
You are not told to use them for the rest of your life.
The crutches are very useful tools.
There are used to aid in the healing process.
They allow you to continue on with your life instead of lying
around motionless for the next six weeks.
The reason for
this obvious explanation is to discuss the other not so obvious
crutches in our lives.
I have heard speakers talk about crutches that people might employ
in order to escape, hide or sabotage certain areas of their lives.
These crutches usually include things like alcohol, drugs, or
eating. But they also
can take the form of television, surfing the net, long lonely walks,
sports, reading or shopping.
Any activity that one might do in order to occupy the brain
enough to temporarily elude reality can be construed as a crutch.
Most of the time
this is considered a negative reaction.
It’s looked down upon as something to avoid doing.
“Stop running from your issues and face the problem”, is what
most people think is good advice.
Worse yet, when people realize that this is what they are
doing, they chastise themselves for doing it.
I don’t know
about you, but my life has had a sprained ankle or two.
I have had times when my life needed crutches.
If my life has been in turmoil, I try to find ways to give my
mind some help with the healing process.
I may have come to the end of an exceptionally hard day and
wanted some time to heal.
I personally call this my “Veg Time”.
This is time when I completely unwind with something fairly
mindless, yet active.
The point is to occupy myself to a point where my mind doesn’t run
wild and cause additional stress and fatigue.
For me, this might include basketball, a computer game, or
TV. Yes, sometimes I
might even have a beer from time to time.
I use these
crutches knowingly and purposely for my own good.
I know that I need time to regenerate my energy and focus.
More importantly, I understand that this behavior is
extremely temporary.
RELYING on this behavior is what leads to “Abuse”.
Now I am not advocating alcohol and drug use in any way, but
what I am suggesting that if you feel the need to wallow in front of
your TV set for an evening or two all is not lost.
If you use
crutches such as these to get yourself through the tough times, it’s
probably ok as long as it doesn’t become a normal part of everyday
life. Constant pressure
and stress can takes it’s toll on even the strongest individual, so
if you need a break, then take it.
It’ll get you back in the game much quicker.
Confidence was
never a problem for a past client of mine until it came to the
dating thing. Looks are
not an issue with her and she has a great personality.
So my job as her Success Coach is to tell her all the great
things about her to help her feel as confident in this area as well.
But I took a different approach.
One day she began telling me about a guy that was showing a
romantic interest in her.
I had already known that she lacked some confidence in this
area so I asked her in a very rude and direct manner, “Why would he
do that? What’s so
great about you?” She
was immediate and swift with her response as she gave me an
extensive list of all the reasons why any guy would love to be
involved with her.
There are times
when I can tell that my clients actually carry a high opinion of
themselves, yet are reluctant to believe it.
If a friend of yours decides to take a verbal chop at your
character, behavior or personality….
I put them on
the defensive. When
someone questions your character or fires some verbal attack at you,
how do you respond?
Last week I wrote my column I standing up for yourself and not
allowing yourself to be bullied by others.
This week I want to expand on this thought.
Many of us lose
our confidence from time to time.
For some it is rather dramatic and frightening while for
others it is a just a short phase that will be forgotten tomorrow.
Our self-esteems
need to here ourselves tell others how great we are.
The sub-conscious mind needs to here itself voice it’s
appreciation for a job well done.
If you truly are a good person at heart, than don’t be afraid
to tell yourself or others.
Next time you
are in a funk, depression or bad mood, have a pre-written statement
that you can refer to in order to boost your mind back in line.
Argue with yourself every time self-doubt raises it’s
internal voice.
Truth or Dare!!
The anxiety that rises to the surface when saying those words
is excruciating. I
would love to go into detail about my experience with Truth or Dare,
but the humiliation and embarrassment is too much.
Let’s just say that being a teenager and dealing with peer
pressure was as tough back then as it is now.
Doing something
on a dare is usually foolish at best, yet often times, is rather
exhilarating. When
another person challenges you to either take a dare or not, how do
you react? Do you and
your ego step up and accept, or do you weigh your options carefully?
Are you a cautious person who seldom takes unnecessary
chances or can you throw that caution to the wind and go for it?
What if the
person making the challenge is you?
What if you dare yourself to do something “wild” and
uncomfortable? This is
an experience every one of us has felt before and we are all very
familiar with this feeling.
I know few of us actually do every thing we dare ourselves to
do. Like wise, few of
us never take any chances what so ever.
The important stat to determine here is how often you “Do
What You Dare.”
Would your life
be better off if you “did what you dared” more often?
I can almost guarantee that it would be.
The thing is that these are the times we grow the most.
Doing things that make us uncomfortable allows us to learn so
much about ourselves, especially if the outcome is not what we
desired. Most dares
involve uncertainty and confidence.
Doing things we are unsure we can actually accomplish gives
us the opportunity to not only test our abilities, but recognize how
we react to unfamiliarity.
Maybe you wished
you could have quit that job and started a business at home or maybe
you are kicking yourself for “chickening out” with a past crush.
I have no idea what your past regrets are, and in fact it
doesn’t really matter.
The only thing that truly matters is how you will react next time
when an opportunity arises to test yourself.
Will you take the “safe route” or will you “Do What You
Dare?”
Do you live in
fear? All tied up in
knots about what you’re going to do with your life?
Going through a major life transition or starting to venture
out of your comfort zone can lead to an immense amount of fear.
I have worked with many clients consumed by the fear of the
unknown future. I have
found that one trick to living with fear is to understand how
necessary fear can be.
When your
fingers touch the orange bars inside the oven, you quickly feel a
strong pain. Obviously
the pain causes you to be aware of possibly being burned.
It is very important that your body maintains the ability to
feel pain in order to keep you from burning yourself.
Pain is good.
The amount of pain you feel is also important.
The level of pain you would experience is often reflective of
how much danger there is.
Fear works much
the same way; it can “protect” us by acting as a warning device for
potential harm or discomfort.
The problem is that most things that are in our “best
interest” can be scary and uncomfortable.
Therefore these fears can hinder us from doing things that
could be good for us.
Whether it’s a career change or filing for a divorce, making tough
decisions about our future can cause an awful lot of fear.
All of us have been faced with these tough choices and the
fears that come with them.
Sometimes we act on those fears by pulling away or avoiding
the decision. We know
in our head that we would be better off in the long run, but the
uncertainty of the unknown was stronger than the possible benefits.
In a backwards
sort of way, the great thing about fear is that the more you have
the better.. You see
fear only occurs if there is a certain level of value placed on the
object at risk. Since
most of the time the object at risk is you or your emotional state,
having fear shows that you consider yourself to have value.
Therefore fear is a good thing.
If you are
completely consumed by fears of your current well-being, this means
you place a substantial value on you and your current state of mind.
If you have strong fears about where you are going in life,
then this means you actually see great potential in yourself.
Both of these ideas can be used to manage your fears.
Some exercises
to help manage fears:
-
Surround
yourself with people that will support you and your decisions
unconditionally.
-
Make a list
of past successes you can remember clearly.
You want to have something handy to reference as a
reminder that you ARE capable and you WILL make it.
-
Make a note
to yourself to evaluate the exact cause behind your current
fears whenever they arise.
Determine if you are truly in danger or you are simply
afraid of stretching your comfort zone.
If it’s the latter, stick with it.
It means you are growing.
I love to have
fun. I live for it.
It is my goal nearly each and everyday to find any
opportunity to create fun and excitement for myself and those around
me. As a matter of
fact, this very morning I am entering one of my favorite places on
the planet for unlimited fun and excitement, Cedar Point in
Yet, when I tell
some people about my trip, I am met with a variety of odd responses.
Some are happy for me, some are envious, but some responses
are outright puzzling.
Now I certainly understand that some people are not turned on about
being strapped in a car going 120 MPH that goes 420 feet in the air.
For some reason some people think that is just silly.
But when I talk about all the other facets of the park that
make it so interesting and fun, some still look puzzled.
It is as if having fun is so foreign to them they can’t
understand what I am so excited about.
It blows me away that there are people out there that don’t
think having fun is worth all the effort.
It’s almost like having fun is a waste of their time and
energy. How could this
be?
Does taking the
time to enjoy oneself actually become a bother to career and
lifestyle? Is it a
burden? It shouldn’t
be. I believe that many
people are ignorant when it comes to fun.
I believe they never learned how to enjoy themselves fully.
For some people it has become uncomfortable to let loose and
be silly and childish, and that seems like such a shame to me.
So many of these people wonder why they are so unhappy with
the status of their life.
Call me crazy,
but I always assumed that the purpose of struggling through this
life is to create a lifestyle that we could enjoy and appreciate.
So if this sounds anything like you, it’s time to get over
yourself and start learning how to have fun again.
Believe me, it is not as hard as it seems.
You were indeed a child before and can become one again.
Just go ahead and try it.
You never know, you might like it!
Everyone is
familiar with the word sub-conscious, but I am convinced few
actually know what it is and how important the sub-conscious mind
really is to the quality of our life.
Thus few have learned how to properly use or care for it.
So I am going to do my best to clarify.
The sub-conscious mind is like a garden.
Its purpose is to grow things.
If a garden is left unattended for a while, a variety of
weeds and grasses will grow.
If left unattended for a long time, the weeds will grow out
of control and overwhelm whatever you were trying to grow or, at the
very least, make it difficult to harvest.
A garden needs to be cared for consistently to thrive.
It needs water, sunlight and nutrients to create a decent
yield. This is true
regardless of what you would like to grow.
Of course different crops need slightly different or specific
care than others, but the process remains the same: clear the land,
plant seeds or trees, provide proper nutrition and sunlight, and
harvest when fully grown.
This is exactly
how the sub-conscious mind works.
If we put the proper time and effort into the cultivation of
our own heads, the rewards we reap can be phenomenal.
Negativity, or “weeds”, can destroy us.
A lack of self-image, confidence and presence are all a
result of negativity taking over our self-conscious.
Most of the unsatisfactory elements of our life can be
attributed to the negativity overwhelming our “garden”.
These “weeds” take away our passion for life.
They weaken our motivation.
They crush our dreams.
The great thing
about any garden is that now matter how bad it gets, we can always
go back in there and start pulling the weeds out.
We can pull the rusty old plow out of the garage and clear
all the weeds from the soil.
I know that most people will tell you that if you just start
replacing your negative thoughts with positive ones, then everything
will come out rosy. But
this is not true. What
do you think would happen if you went out to your weed-filled garden
and started throwing an endless barrage of tomato and watermelon
seeds around the entire garden with tilling the soil first?
Even if you consistently watered and fed the garden
throughout the entire growing season, do you think you could show
off your garden with a sense of pride?
Would you be anxious to walk through the waste high weeds and
harvest your crops, if you had any yield to pick at all?
I wouldn’t be.
The awful fact
is that if you have not put any attention towards the dark thoughts
in your head, it will be unpleasant to explore them and even more
unpleasant do rid them from your sub-conscious.
For many people in this situation, it would be advisable to
seek help in doing so, whether that means professional help or a
close friend or confidant is up to you.
Obviously you
would all love to reap the rewards of the prosperous, fulfilling and
successful life. You
have visions of expansive and thriving orchards or farms.
But remember, you can’t plant the seeds until you prepare the
ground first.
Are you a
“Giver”? One who always
thinks of others before your self?
Did you watch others open their
Our society has
always preached unselfishness.
“It is better to give than to receive”.
That’s what my parents taught me.
Probably because that’s what my grandparents taught them.
The peculiar part of becoming a “Giver” is the motivation
behind it. If the
“Giver” truly believes, as most “Givers” do, that whatever she gives
“shall be returned upon her ten fold”, then why the void of
enjoyment and appreciation when the rewards are thrust upon her?
Do we give so
much more than we receive only because we were taught that way or
are we actually doing the giving so we may benefit down the road?
The reason I love giving is to see the look on the recipients
face. That’s why giving
gifts to children over the Holidays or at Birthdays is so enjoyable.
The reaction that a child will give is so unpredictable,
spontaneous and genuine.
If I know for a fact that the child will be ecstatic about
it, the feeling of sincere appreciation on his face is all the
reward I need. My
question for you is, why do you suppose you enjoy giving?
If your motives
are the same as mine, you probably feel the same way I do when the
recipient gives little or no reaction to your offering.
Or worst yet, the insincere “OOHHHH, how nice” response that
so many of us try unsuccessfully to pull off.
FAKE!! Boy, that
one really irks me!!
Well, the morale
of the story is this, if you personally gain so much pleasure seeing
the happiness and excitement of the receiver, you should be ashamed
of yourself for taking that same pleasure away from someone else
when they give to you!!!
If you have a
desire to feel pleasure when blessed with gifts from others, there
are ways you can begin learning genuine thankfulness and
appreciation.
-
Practice
responding to compliments in the mirror and the next time
someone pays you a genuine compliment, give them a genuine thank
you in return. This is
the easiest way to begin receiving from others.
-
Any time the
opportunity arises to get help from others, whether it’s help
carrying something, getting a ride when needed, or having the
door opened for you, take the gesture warmly and openly.
Practice does indeed make it easier.
-
When you
need help, whether physically or emotionally, take a chance and
ask someone to help. For
some it might be easier to ask someone close to you, and for
others it’s easier to ask a near stranger.
It doesn’t matter; the good feeling on the other end
remains the same.
Do you have a
purpose in life? Goals?
Many of you are thinking, “What is the difference,” right?
Both explain what we intend to do or become later in life.
All of us have goals; they might be on paper or in our head.
But how many of us attack life with a sense of purpose?
Feeling as if you have been put on this Earth to accomplish
something specific, whether great or small.
Knowing that your actions are determined by a greater
purpose. This view on
life is much more exciting then simply setting goals.
I love hearing
people explain their lives in terms of purpose.
Just listening to their explanations is inspirational.
It is so refreshing to see someone living with a sense of
passion for what they are doing.
Seeing that desire to make a significant contribution to our
world. I have always believed each of us does indeed have a purpose
in life.
I am certain
that each of us would love to live life with passion.
Imagine how much easier it would be to set your goals if you
had an overwhelming desire to fulfill a greater purpose.
How much easier would it be to hop out of bed in the morning?
Procrastination would become a thing of the past.
Lounging around in front of a T.V. set will actually become a
“waste of time.”
All the
significant people throughout history accomplished the things they
did because they lived with a purpose.
Making their choices based upon what “they were intended to
do”. Mother Theresa,
Martin Luther King Jr., Thomas Edison.
Literally countless numbers of amazing people have achieved
phenomenal results and achieved incredible things with this
mentality.
The trick here
is acknowledging a desire to fulfill a certain purpose.
And then we have to set an intention to doing something about
it. Many times we will
come up with excuses as to why we can’t.
The first thought usually involves self-doubt.
You probably believe that it is possible, but not necessarily
for you.
I know that
almost every one of you has had thoughts relating to your purpose.
You probably even considered one or two.
These thoughts are not by accident.
It could have been to teach or to design buildings.
All of these options need to be explored.
It may seem far-fetched at first, but I’m willing to bet that
if you take the first steps in that direction you will find that it
is far from impossible.
·
Put your idea
down on paper, even if it’s a scrap piece of paper.
Try to visualize yourself in that environment.
Imagine how you would feel living your life’s purpose.
How would you act?
Who would you know?
If you can imagine yourself in that life, it truly is a
possibility for you.
·
Write up a
timeline of your project to determine how long it would take you to
accomplish your purpose.
Goal setting then becomes easy.
·
Take the initial
steps toward this vision.
Determine for sure if this is right for you.
Honesty with yourself is most important here.
It is very easy to make excuses as to why you shouldn’t.
If you awake each day with a combination of hope and
nervousness, you’re probably on the right track.
When I was in
fourth grade, I remember seeing all of the grades listed in the
grade book. There were
hundreds of numbers indicating points earned on every various
assignment from every different course.
Math grades, reading grades, and science grades were all
there. Some perfect
scores, many decent grades and a few poor grades throughout the
book. The purpose of
all this record keeping is to evaluate the student’s progress over
the course of a quarter.
Two quarters are combined for a final semester grade.
As the year comes to an end, these two semester grades are
the main determining factor on whether or not the student moves on
to the next grade. In
hindsight, these semester grades are really the only important
evaluation marks necessary for accuracy.
What would
happen if we tried reevaluating a student’s progress after each and
every grade entered in the grade book?
Is the ever a chance to have an accurate feel for how well
the student is doing?
They would have to have parent/ student conferences twice a day.
It would be chaos.
The funny thing
is that I see people do this in their own lives all the time.
These people will constantly check on the current status of
every area of their lives.
Many times this reevaluation occurs when things are going
poorly. They stress
about their career choice or potential after particularly bad days
at work. They worry
themselves sick over the direction their romantic relationships are
heading only after arguments.
They will torture themselves about their financial future
soon after having to pay the bills with credit cards again.
Don’t get me wrong; this type of person goes through the same
drill when things are good as well, just not as often.
Does this sound like you?
What if we took
the lessons from elementary school teachers?
The point from the school example is that the evaluation
process must be a big picture event.
Meaning that if you want to check on your progress you must
widen your scope and take a larger perspective.
If you consider your career, compare your working environment
to your working environment from three years ago, instead of last
week or month. Your
financial situation should be compared the same way.
How much were you making three or five years ago.
With relationships, take a short period of time like a week
or month and compare it to a similar period of time from before.
Again, this could be two or four years before.
We all want to
create a wonderful life for ourselves, as well as those close to us.
So it is natural to reevaluate from time to time.
If you consistently take a bigger picture approach to
checking you life’s status, I guarantee you will be much happier
with results and you have a much better chance of getting a passing
grade.
The universe is
set up to run in cycles.
The sun, the seasons, the tides, the food chain, the water
cycle; everything in our world has a very similar rhythm.
One high leads to another low.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.”
It’s the Yin and Yang principal.
Empires will always be built, as will all empires eventually
fall. Nothing is immune
to these cycles. There
is no way of avoiding them and no way to change them.
It’s just the way that it is.
So why then do
we get frustrated with ourselves when we are depressed or in a bad
mood? Do we believe
that our emotions should not go up or down?
Is there something wrong with us if we are not happy every
single minute of every single day?
No, probably not.
Yet so many of us believe we should have more control of our
emotions and be able to instantly “correct” them at the snap of a
finger and routinely get frustrated when we can’t.
For whatever
reason, you may go to bed being very happy and content with yourself
and wake up the next morning in a sour mood.
You’ll have no explanations or excuses for your bad mood,
until you make one up.
This doesn’t make you any more of a bad person than anyone else.
It happens to all of us.
The fact is, we
need these highs and lows.
As the cliché goes, “We could never appreciate the sunlight
without darkness.”
Would we ever know we were at high tide if there was never a low
tide? Doesn’t the
No matter how
much you try to avoid those “bad days”, you can’t.
It is the way of our world.
I don’t care about your religious beliefs, your family values
or your political views.
It doesn’t change this principle.
It is universal law.
What we can do is reduce the overall effect these moods have
on our lives and our psyches by not letting them totally ruin our
day. Once you recognize
that you are out of sorts, you need to make a conscious effort to
not let these emotions get out of control.
I know it is easier said then done, but really, what choice
do we have?
One of my
favorite movies of all time is “The Shawshank Redemption.”
It’s the movie where a banker gets falsely convicted of
murdering his wife and spends over twenty years in jail before
escaping. My favorite
line from that movie is when the banker says to another inmate,
“Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things.”
I believe in this wholeheartedly.
I believe there are few things, if any, more important to the
human soul than hope.
Hope is the source of all miracles, ideas and faith.
It is also the power behind all your dreams, the goals you
set, and actions taken to achieve them.
In this respect, it is beginning of all great things.
There
are people out there who lose track of their hopes and dreams as
life trudges on. We all
have hopes and dreams of a fantasy life when we are kids, but those
ideas always change as “reality sinks in.”
But this doesn’t mean we ever stop dreaming or hoping for
outrageous things, they merely evolve as our tastes change.
Instead of that castle on the cliff and a beautiful princess,
maybe we want the mansion on the ocean and a rock star.
Regardless of what we hope for, we must continue to use our
imagination and explore our ideal lifestyle.
This will always evolve as we mature and should be
consistently monitored and adjusted to fit your ever-changing
beliefs and desires.
If you have
experienced great trauma in your life, you might even believe that
hope is a bad thing.
You may feel as if it only leads to pain and suffering when things
turn south. “Reality is
never as good as we can dream.”
“It only leads to more disappointment.”
Common phrases like these are staples of the misfortunate
ones. Extremely
difficult times cause individuals to avoid hope.
Every hope they may have had before may have been shattered
causing severe pain, disappointment and doubt.
Regardless of
your views, I hope you will forever continue to dream and hope for
greatness. The strength
that hope contains is endless.
It can pull you from your darkest days as well as enlighten
even the best of days.
The power and energy that you can tap into can lead you to unseen
heights and possibilities.
If used and harnessed effectively, hope can create miracles
for you, as it has done for me.
I love chocolate
ice cream. I also love
waffle cones. The funny
thing about living in
Phew, it’s
finally over!! Take the
jumbled cone pieces and napkins, put them in the cup and toss it in
the trash. Nearly every
time, trash time comes as such a relief.
Then I come to the realization that I never really got a
chance to relax and enjoy my ice cream cone.
Rats!! “Why
don’t you just have them put in a cup, and give you the cone
separately” is my wife’s usual response.
But we all know that’s not the same thing, now is it?
Wondering what
this has to do with life, aren’t you?
Well, last week when I experienced my normal ice cream
escapade, I wondered why I put myself through all that just to
reward and pamper myself with something I love.
I continually go out of my way to go through ice cream hell.
By the time I am done, my patience is worn much thinner and
my nerves are shot because I am in such a hurry trying to enjoy
myself. I become so
rushed and flustered that satisfaction is impossible, regardless of
how good it tastes.
The reason I
notice this conflict is because many times I catch myself living my
life the exact same way.
Have you ever felt that way?
I work very hard to fit all of things I love into my time
restraints which causes me to truly enjoy very few of them.
There have been times when I have decided not to play
basketball or put down a book I wanted to read because that time
might have intruded on other fun opportunities, such as playing with
my kids or visiting a friend.
I know there are
many people out there trying extremely hard to create a better life
for themselves and their families.
Many of these same people have very complicated lives.
Having the ability to take a breath and relax is very
difficult. The ultimate
goal for most everyone is to create a life that is fulfilling and
rewarding. But if you
have too many drips from your cone to manage, your life becomes one,
long never-ending task.
Dreaming of the
great life, silver spoons, sandy beaches and chauffeurs.
We have all taken those drives down Rich and
Some of
you may actually place yourselves in this vision and believe it will
all be yours some day.
You’ll have the mansion on the ocean, the yacht in the harbor, and
the freedom to enjoy them.
Every one of us knows that theoretically anything is possible
for us if we “set our minds to it”.
We know this lifestyle is available for anyone willing to
take the action necessary to achieve it.
Yet, so few of us even strive for the dreams we so easily
conceive. Why the
limitations?
The fact of the
matter is, we do place ceilings on our possibilities.
We, in general, feel we can only attain so much in life.
The reasons behind this are endless and certainly beyond the
scope of this article, but the “problem” remains the same.
How do we raise our own expectations of ourselves?
We would love to
tell ourselves we are capable of greatness, but the fear of failing
is usually too strong.
It is always easier to lower your expectations to more attainable
levels in order to raise the chances of success.
There is a balancing act here that many of us try to
maintain. To raise the
bar without scaring ourselves is extremely tricky.
If we set goals
for ourselves too high, they become daunting and unattainable.
In our heads, we feel that disappointment and failure are
imminent. Yet few of us
have aspirations of maintaining the status quo.
So, how high do
you set the bar? Only
you can answer that. A
variety of factors come into play here.
Risk factor, desire, and faith are just a few.
An evaluation of how much one truly desires a certain goal
and how much faith one has that it is attainable will determine the
risk factor. Then you
must consider how much risk you are willing to take.
The old motto of
“shoot for the stars and you might hit the moon” can be useful here.
We have all set goals and come up a little short.
Just because we don’t reach everything we dreamed of, doesn’t
mean all is lost. If
that bar is raised high enough, you may not be too disappointed with
the result.
Tips for raising
your expectations for yourself:
-
Whether
financial, social, or career; set distinct goals and begin
working towards them.
Expect these goals to be incorrect at first, and adjust them as
you go. The main thing
is to set the bar somewhere and gain practice working
towards an outcome.
-
Stretch your
comfort zone when setting goals.
If you have never been in management before, it may seem
daunting to set your sights on making Vice President of your
company within 5 years.
However, you should not let this fear keep you from doing just
that! Achievement and
growth is almost always a bit uncomfortable.
You remember how uncomfortable that first kiss was, don’t
you?
-
There may
come a time when you feel a goal is not very attainable and you
want to make an adjustment. Avoid lowering the bar.
Try, instead, to extend the time frame you originally
allowed yourself. A
well-written goal does need to have a completion time in order
to be effective. So, if
you set a goal to accumulate a million dollar net worth by your
40th birthday, and you’re 39 with little money, then
we need to adjust our time constraints rather than the amount.
I guess you might have to wait until you’re 50.
If money did not
concern you, what would you do with yourself?
What would your daily chores be?
How would you react to all of life’s little frustrations?
Would you stand a little taller?
Would you enjoy yourself more?
I think everyone could come up with a substantial list of
things one would do if he or she had all the money they wanted.
I’m not talking about the big things, like your dream trip
around the world, your penthouse on the beach or writing the great
American novel. I mean
all the little things you would do everyday.
Try to imagine
what your normal, everyday activities would be like if you lived
your ideal lifestyle.
What would you do from minute to minute, hour to hour?
Who are you friends with and how do you act around them?
What kinds of food do you eat and where?
There are literally thousands of questions such as these you
can ask yourself to create a clear picture of this life in your
mind. The point is to
gain a perspective on the exact actions and behaviors of this
livelihood. If you can
make a list of these aspects, then you will have the basis to start
re-forming your life.
After putting
these aspects on paper, the task now is to see how many of these
actions and behaviors you can incorporate into your current life.
It would seem to make sense that if more of these traits
become a normal part of your current life, then you would be much
more satisfied overall.
Most likely you will find that happiness and fulfillment are not
created from money, but yourself.
Now, I know that
most people view their ideal life involving piles of money, and
that’s great. Me too!
But the point of accomplishing the great life is to live life
with more confidence, passion, and satisfaction.
The ideal life exercise is to learn exactly what
circumstances lead us to the actions, feelings and behaviors that we
want most. As you begin
incorporating these more and more, you will naturally begin feeling
more successful, which always makes attracting money to yourself
considerably easier. Of
course it is easier said than done, but the money doesn’t bring
confidence, the confidence brings the money.
How am
I ever going to afford that house?
How can I get promoted?
How can I get that perfect mate?
How do I raise good kids?
How do I find peace?
These are
questions that we ask ourselves many times a day.
Always looking for the best answers to life’s biggest
questions. We feel that
if we continue asking the questions, life might give us the answers.
Yet many times the answers don’t come, causing frustration
and discouragement to follow.
This dilemma has plagued mankind forever.
The problem lies
in the way the question is asked.
We need to begin by asking ourselves questions in the form of
“why”. Why do I want
this house? Why do I
want to be promoted?
Why do I want the perfect mate?
Why do I want to raise good kids?
Why do I want to have peace?
Each of these
questions will hold a certain desire behind it.
It may be your longing for the feeling of stability,
recognition, balance or pride.
If something is deeply desired, we can start by acknowledging
this desire and learning to harness it.
This becomes the motivation driving us towards our intended
goal.
The universe has
always been funny this way.
Once you completely give yourself over to a desire, allowing
it to become a passion in your life, we inevitably find a way of
accomplishing the object of our desire.
Now when we determine the “how”, we can plan and work to
bring it into being, but with a passion behind you, it will require
much less effort.
Let’s examine my
example of raising good kids.
If your question is “how?”, then what happens is we tend to
look for quick antidotes or that one key to raising children that
makes everything easier.
On the other hand, if you know why you want to raise good
kids, then you can use that as the motivation to continue learning
and growing along with your children.
Raising your children will become much more fun and
rewarding. With this
occurring, being a better parent is automatic.
That seems to be the way the universe works.
When we switch our thoughts from our external “want” to our
internal “passion”, our desires become our reality.
Steps for
bringing out the “How”:
-
Take one
particular goal that you have and examine it.
Make a list of possible reasons why you want that goal.
Continue to ask yourself why you want it.
It will always narrow itself down to a core desire.
Determining your core motivation behind something is
crucial. You never know,
you may be surprised by your real motives.
-
Learn to use
visualization. Sitting
alone in a quiet place and just visualizing the outcome of a
situation is extremely powerful.
Picturing your dreams and goals vividly takes a large
amount of practice. As
you improve, this exercise will raise your level of desire to
new heights.
-
Be very
mindful of new ideas and inspirations that jump into your mind
during or just after this exercise.
When you concentrate long enough on what you want and why
you want it, possible solutions will present themselves.
Often times the possible solutions might seem to be off
the wall or unreasonable, but consider them anyway.
You might amaze yourself with the answers to your
questions.
“Well, what do
you expect? Considering what I’ve had to deal with in my life, I’d
say I’m doing just fine.”
Have you ever used this excuse when realizing that you
haven’t achieved?
Holding yourself back because of your past?
Continuing to come up short because you think life’s cards
are stacked against you.
Shame on you!
There is a girl
I’ve gotten to know pretty well.
She is a young adult, in college and fairly comfortable in
her home life. She has
gone through an awful lot through her life and has many things from
her past that she would like very much to forget.
Many of these things were not within her control as she was
much younger, yet old enough to remember the injustices she
witnessed on her and her family.
I know there are many more that she is still learning about.
There are times
when I can see she uses these memories as an excuse to underachieve,
almost giving her permission to fail.
Thinking “It’s no wonder, look what I been through.”
It is frustrating for me, to say the least.
So many of us have this “poor me” belief about themselves.
Becoming angry quickly and often expecting the worst.
Believing that life just won’t give us a break.
Well I’m here to tell you that is HOGWASH.
The fact of the
matter is that this is not a valid excuse for walking sheepishly
through life with a “pity me” sign on your back.
You may not agree with me, but you actually have an advantage
in many ways. Our past
is a great learning tool for all of us, but for some more than
others.
You see, history
has taught us that the only thing that we can learn for certain from
the past is what not to do.
Sure, there are things that have succeeded before, that can
succeed again, but learning what went wrong is the only knowledge we
can gain with certainty.
Therefore those who have been continually experienced the
unfortunate, have more to learn from their past than most others.
I know this is only so comforting, and you want to feel bad
for yourself, but this is of no use.
It will not get you anywhere.
Get off your tushy and do something amazing with yourself,
knowing that you posses as much potential, if not more, than anyone
else. Remember, one is
ultimately measured by the size of the obstacle that stops them.
·
Motivation is
the key. Imagine how much more rewarding success will be having
overcome these obstacles. Taking just 5 minutes every day to
visualize yourself "making it" and living your ideal life can be a
great motivator.
·
Avoid
associating with people or circumstances that could lead to similar
problems. Search out a more stable support group and start
surrounding yourself with positive and powerful people.
·
Understand that
misfortune does indeed make you a stronger person and tragedy can be
used as a stepping stone in life, rather than an excuse. Go to the
library and pick out one of hundreds of books on overcoming
misfortune that would best apply to you and learn how they not only
coped, but grew from the experience.
Well my question
was answered. Last week
I severely sprained my ankle playing basketball, and as I lay
helplessly around the house, I realize that I would never like to be
a house cat. Doing the
same thing everyday and dreaming of all the things I would do if I
could walk is so draining.
The monotony is killing me.
I don’t know how Kody can live like this.
Divorces occur and fortunes are lost.
The possible causes for losing a blessed lifestyle are
endless. Yet one thing
is for sure, just because you’ve “made it”, doesn’t mean your work
is done. In fact, your
workload often increases because success often comes with an
increase in responsibilities.
The more money one accumulates, the more financial management
is required. Family
demands seem to increase exponentially with time.
Between kids, financial management, schooling, careers and
social planning, finding the time and energy to enhance your
marriage is most difficult.
The common denominator between all sustained success stories
is the sustained effort and attention put towards maintaining or
expanding on success.
So, for
those of you out there reaching for the stars and wishing there was
an easier way; you are on the right track.
It’s supposed to be hard.
If the great life were easy, there would be nothing great
about it.
Creating more
fond memories to be remembered later in life is everybody’s hope and
dream. Living in the
present is the best way to accumulate these memories.
Having a “Seize The Day” attitude will certainly lead to more
fun loving people and fun loving opportunities.
Taking opportunities to party over doing something productive
for tomorrow gives you the chance to experience everything that the
“now” has to offer.
If we were
swimming in a small lake or pond, all of the fun is being in the
water and playing or splashing about in a canoe or paddleboat.
There is not much reason to set a course for any purpose and
start working in any particular direction, because that would take
time away from enjoying the lake.
Now, what if you
wanted to navigate across a large lake or ocean?
Would taking the time to swim and play in the surf be in your
best interest?
Navigating a large body of water would be considered an
accomplishment, yet still creating memories along the way.
The difference is in the type of memories you would have and
keep. These memories
would be more for pride than excitement and fun.
The question one
must ask oneself is this, “Which body of water do you want to be
in?” Having to make
plans for future navigation will obviously take away from enjoying
your present. Decisions
will have to be made as to how you will invest your time and energy.
Some people want to have memories of fun and excitement.
Others want to create and accomplish.
To be able to look back in life and say they accomplished
something amazing gives a person a much different feeling inside
than one who looks back in life and can say they had more fun than
most. Which person are
you?
Our society
teaches us that if we make a mistake, we are to be punished.
Our courts are filled with lawsuits trying to hold all those
accountable for their mistakes.
If you have a traffic “accident”, blame must be rendered and
some one has to pay. If
a doctor makes a mistake in his “practice”, he must pay.
With this mindset installed in our minds, it only makes sense
that we punish ourselves thoroughly when we have even the slightest
error in judgment.
It is absolutely
amazing how quickly kids learn.
My 2-year-old surprises me nearly everyday with new words and
expressions. Most of
the time I don’t even know where she gets them.
I am sure that she learns more throughout her day than I do,
which doesn’t make any sense.
My brain is much more advanced than a 2-year-old’s brain,
right? When she sat on
her “Dora the Explorer” umbrella, it broke.
We took that as an opportunity to help her learn from her
mistake. We didn’t
scold her. We simply
explained to her the error of her ways and threw it away.
That’s what all good parents try to do.
They show their kids how to learn from the mistakes they make
without making them feel dumb or ashamed.
What happens if a child is constantly made to feel ashamed
for making a mistake?
How well does this child learn from his mistakes?
How well do adults learn this way?
Not well.
The thing is
this, true happiness is most difficult to achieve if you continue to
punish yourself for mistakes, because you are not perfect and you
never will be. Give
yourself a break! Treat
yourself like a child and allow yourself to learn from it and make
amends because it doesn’t matter how big or small the mistake might
be, every second you waste punishing yourself for it, is another
second you could have spent correcting it.
“It’s not having
what you want, it’s wanting what you’ve got!”
This is a line from Sheryl Crow’s song, “Soak Up the Sun.”
Her point here was one that most every parent attempts to
teach their children at some point in their lives.
It’s a lesson that we all have heard.
A lesson that we should be happy for what we already have.
“Count your blessings and just be grateful.”
Constantly wishing and hoping for more is being selfish,
right? Well I am not so
sure.
Is there a
parent out there that doesn’t want more for their kids than they had
for themselves? I don’t
think so. We want more for our kids than we ever had; yet we are
supposed to feel satisfied for what we do have and not yearn for
what we don’t. Well if
we want more for our loved one’s and we are supposed to love
ourselves, then how can it be wrong to want more for ourselves?
No, I am not
going into a “Greed is Good” speech.
But the interesting thing about more, more, more is that we
all want it. Regardless
of what comes after the word more, it is still a basis desire of
human life. Regardless
of a person’s moral standing, desires will undoubtedly start with
the word “more”. More
money. More power.
More love. More
peace. More
sensitivity. More
prestige.
It doesn’t
matter how pure your intentions might be; they will be better served
with better and more abundant resources.
The church can do more for the community with more money,
ideas and volunteers.
The environmentalist is better served if there is more money,
education, research, and time.
It is perfectly
natural to want, wish, hope and dream of more.
Our world needs more clean water, more safe food, more
energy, more generous people, more, more, more.
Yet at the same
time this constant drive for “more” is cause of an awful lot of pain
and suffering. It can
lead to many difficult emotional results like resentment, guilt and
depression. Hope can
certainly lead to disappointment.
Dreams could always be crushed.
Still we continue to want.
This is how life works and there is little we can do about
it. The problem isn’t
in the fact that we want more, the problem is in the only possible
solution: lower expectations.
And that is no solution for me.
For whatever
reason, we feel the need to make major changes for ourselves at the
beginning of the year.
Yet very few of us actually follow through on our commitments.
The causes behind these breakdowns are endless.
But at the core of this issue is the word change.
Most of the resolutions I hear involve a considerable amount
of personal change. Of
course, this is what many people are most uncomfortable with.
As a rule, most
people are adverse to change.
If you are beginning this year feeling as though you truly
need to follow through with a new year’s resolution, then the first
thing that must happen a commitment to making changes in your
thought process and lifestyle.
If you can commit to this, then you have a chance to make
your resolutions stick.
The trend over
the last decade or so has leaned towards more balance and
simplicity. Most
clients who come to me benefit greatly by simplifying life and
working towards a better balance for themselves.
I know most
everyone wants to have more, more, more!
But this year I’d like to see you try something slightly
different by making a resolution to do less.
They say “less is more”, so this year I would like to see you
attempt to simplify your life considerably.
The ideal place to start is by reducing the number of
commitments that you “have to do”.
Find ways to narrow down the tedious obligations you find
yourself slaving over day after day or week after week. Maybe
simplify your finances by reducing the number of credit cards or
using only one checking account.
Delegate more responsibility to others, both at work and at
home. Take on a lawn
mowing service and open up your Sundays for more rewarding things.
Go out to dinner 1 extra day of the week and get out of the
kitchen. Lower your
stress levels by taking 1, 2 or even 3 days per month at the spa,
pampering your self with extravagant massages and body wraps.
Reduce the number of relationships that are a drain on your
energy and patience.
Eliminate time consuming projects that consistently take time away
from your loved ones.
Most
importantly, schedule time everyday to be alone with only your
thoughts. One of the
most rewarding things you can do for yourself is to learn to sit
quietly in a room by your self with zero distractions and observe
your thoughts and emotions.
Leaning how to enjoy peace and quiet without having to think.
If you’re going
to make a commitment to yourself for 2004, at least consider moving
towards a simpler lifestyle.
I am quite sure you will not be disappointed.
The bumper
sticker said “You laugh at me because I’m different, I laugh at you
because you’re all the same.”
I know that this is not the most profound statement I have
ever heard, but I like it.
We tell “normal” children throughout their entire childhood
that they are special and unique.
We tell “special” children that they are either no different
than the “normal” kids or that their circumstances give them unique
opportunities in life and therefore they are indeed “special”.
Our country is supposed to be based upon the idea that “all
men (and women) are created equal” yet we continue to label people
as stars and place them on pedestals and give them special
treatment. How
confusing?
Psychiatrists
continue to over-medicate every person that comes in the door for
the purpose of making everyone “normal” again.
Making almost no effort to determine if there is an unseen
gift in their “special’ circumstances.
Teachers will continue to teach the exact same curriculum in
order to get every student to pass the FCAT while they preach
independence and free-thinking.
The more I write, the more confused I get.
Which is it?
Should I be my own person, or cower down to the masses?
Should I lead or should I follow?
Should I fit in or separate from the crowd?
What does society want from me or should I even care?
The rules tell me to follow a certain standard yet Tony
Robbins tells me to go out there and set the standard for others to
follow.
I know that not
everyone can become a leader and not everyone can follow.
I know that our society needs boundaries and limits to
maintain safety and order.
But life essentially comes down to the choices we make.
We have to decide what is “normal” and what is not.
We then have to decide for if we want to be “normal” or not.
When do we open ourselves up for criticism and when do we
stay in line?
I don’t know the
answers to all these questions, but I do know this; Every person
form our history books, as well as anyone that is currently in the
“stardom” category, did not lead their life in a “normal” fashion.
Greatness, by definition, is not “normal”.
So, if greatness is something you desire, step out of line
and create a new path.
Take a chance and do something your own way.
If greatness is not on your goal sheet, than feel free to
continue on the same road as everyone else.
I don’t know what direction you’ll choose, but I know which
one suits me best.
I know darn well
that I should not be eating so much fast food.
I know I should set aside more time for exercise.
I also know I should save money rather than spend it
wastefully. You know,
everyday choices we all face.
There are times when I choose to take the short-term pleasure
over the longer-term benefit.
Granted, I do possess a fair amount of self-control, but even
I manage to disappoint myself from time to time!
I am not alone
here. Practically every
one of us does things that we know we should not do.
Whether you smoke cigarettes, have a gambling problem or
maybe just keep a secret chocolate stash, the fact is we all do it.
We do things even against our own will.
The question is, why?
Why do we have so much trouble setting and maintaining our
priorities?
Setting
priorities seems so simple in theory.
Make a list of things in order of importance.
Then make sure all decisions are based upon this order of
importance. All we have
to do is take a little bit of time to analyze before choosing.
I am sure almost every one of us has taken the time to set
priorities at some point in our lives and stayed true to these
priorities for a certain amount of time.
Then we seem to fade back into old habits again.
The trouble
starts with the fact that life is in a continuous state of flux.
The pace of one’s life can speed up or slow down almost
overnight. Changes in
circumstances can make old priorities obsolete.
There are times when convenience is much more necessary than
at other times. Life
can get pretty hectic at times, which makes holding true to your
priorities much more difficult.
I know I am
supposed to give some magical bit of advice for maintaining your
priorities but I am left with only one option: discipline.
Self-discipline is the only thing that keeps us on track with
what we want to do. You
are the only person that can monitor your behavior and choices.
You are the one who decides to delay your satisfaction until
tomorrow. You have to
develop the will power, determination and self-discipline to do what
is right for you and your family.
You have to determine the balance of instant gratification
and long-term satisfaction.
Setting
priorities is indeed simple, but simple is much different than easy.
Consistently making decisions based upon your priorities is hard to
do. The standards must
be revised regularly to fit your life and must become a pillar of
your lifestyle. It
needs to be your lighthouse that warns you of impending danger and
keeps you between the shores.
If you can do this, I am sure you will enjoy the voyage.
How Do
You Want To Be Remembered?
Several months
ago I went to a funeral with my wife.
I didn’t know the gentleman who died, or anyone else at the
funeral. I only went
because my wife knew the spouse of the deceased but it gave me the
opportunity to observe people working through their emotions during
a difficult time, which is an opportunity I routinely look for.
When the proceedings were coming to an end at the cemetery,
the family released balloons to the heavens in his memory.
I thought that was very classy way to show their feelings,
but most importantly, I left there wanting to lead a life where
people showed their respects as fondly as did for him.
I never met the guy, but judging by the group’s words and
emotions, I am positively sure he was something special.
As I was driving
away with my wife, I asked myself this very important question that
I now ask nearly every one of my clients as well.
“How exactly do I want to be remembered?”
Do I want to be known as a hard worker, strong family man, or
maybe a fun loving guy?
The options are endless, as are yours.
The way other people see you is something to examine very
closely. Most of us
think we know how other people see us, but we really don’t.
This is entirely based on the perceptions of others.
How much do you allow others to truly know and understand
you?
This leads to
the second question I asked myself, “By whom do I want to be
remembered?” A vague
answer was insufficient here.
I needed to be specific as to who I wanted to remember me
exactly the way I wanted them to.
Most people will automatically say family.
But many times it goes well beyond the family circle into
colleagues, friends, or competitive peers.
Regardless of
who is on this list, how each of these people currently perceives
you will be vastly different from each other and probably much
different than you wish they would.
Maybe this is because you are not letting yourself live the
way you would like to live.
Then again, maybe you are not letting people see the way you
live your life.
Every one of us
would certainly benefit from some investigation into the matter.
If you are unsure as to your life’s path or are having
trouble finding a sense of purpose in life, perhaps looking at your
life from this perspective will give you some insight.
Because most likely if you are living your life with passion
and excitement, your life will mirror the answers to these two
questions very well.
“You know how to
make a million dollars in the boat business?
Start with TWO.” This is the big joke among the boat dealers
in this area.
Interesting, isn’t it?
The consensus among the boating community is that one has to be rich
or borrow a small fortune in order to do well in this business.
Needless to say, in the boat business, one has to take on a
considerable amount of risk in order to “make it”.
How does this
relate to Life Coaching or this column in any way?
Life is all about risk and reward.
How many of us have kept ourselves from falling in love
because of the fear of losing that person later on?
Not letting ourselves open up for fear of being “hurt”.
The fact is that anything worth having will have some sort of
sacrifice or risk. It
is impossible to have a true love for someone without the
overwhelming feeling of vulnerability.
As a general rule the more vulnerable you feel, the more love
you have for that person, but striving for this love means accepting
the risk of pain and loss.
This is
especially true when considering a romantic relationship.
Most of you have been hurt by losing someone close to you,
whether by a break up or death.
Even if you haven’t, this fear of loss is still something to
worry about to some degree.
It can cause one to over estimate someone’s flaws in order to
avoid a strong connection.
Possibly because you worry that a strong connection would
mean a difficult break up. Or maybe you avoid opening yourself up
entirely so as to “keep them at a distance”.
You may not want to get too close to someone.
Maybe you’ve told yourself not to hope for the “dream” of a
good romantic relationship because you “know you will just screw it
up”. This is called
“Self Sabotage”.
What this
thought pattern is doing is keeping you from enjoying all that
relationships have to offer.
If you can allow your good relationships to grow and allow
new ones to evolve, they will add so much to your quality of life.
Please believe me, the reward is most certainly worth the
risk.
·
When feeling
scared and vulnerable, use affirmations to help yourself build
positive relationships such as, “I truly deserve a great marriage”
or “I am willing to connect to others freely”.
This can boost your courage so that you can avoid this
self-sabotage.
·
Evaluate the
people in your life right now and determine which relationships are
not as strong and fulfilling as you would like them to be.
Then make it a priority to either let them go or to enhance
them.
·
Make a list of
the types of relationships that are missing in your life, such as:
significant other, spouse, friends, family, business, and so
on. Make a note as the
type of people you would like to attract for these relationships.
Take time to visualize these relationships being everything
you hope they’ll be and you’ll be amazed at how quickly they will
evolve for you!
I don’t know why
it is so easy to remember when you screwed up and so hard to
remember when you have succeeded. Has there ever been a time when
your self-image is clouded by self-doubt?
Ever found yourself questioning everything about you?
“Every adversity carries with it the seed of an equivalent or
greater benefit.” This
is a quote from my favorite self-help book of all time, “Think and
Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill.
It really doesn’t matter what area of life you would like to
apply this universal law, because it will always be a significant
fact.
Self-doubt is
the area I would like to discuss now.
Self-doubt reveals itself in many forms such as depression,
sabotage, indecision, or a bad mood. Everyone at one time or another
will encounter some form of self-doubt.
Whether your doubt occurs when you are standing in your
boss’s office, in front of a crowd of people, or alone in the midst
of a major life transition.
One never seems to know when it will pop up it’s ugly head,
but we can all be sure it will.
What do we do?
Well, first thing we must do is to face it. Running certainly
is not the best option.
The universe is giving us a chance to learn from ourselves.
Self-doubt is actually an extremely educational learning
tool. It is a time for
self-reevaluation and enlightenment.
An opportunity we should not pass up.
Where do these
feelings come from?
What are our perceived shortcomings?
Are these negative thoughts really valid?
Are there changes that need to be made?
Will these feelings pass with time?
These are only a few of the difficult questions we should ask
ourselves. The problem
here is not coming up with the questions.
It’s answering them honestly and then trying to act on them
in a positive manner.
Sometimes to
these questions are hard for us to here, how many of us really want
to acknowledge to ourselves that we could do and be more?
Will we admit that we are indeed good enough and need to push
harder and improve faster?
Will we just do it already?
Surely a strong
positive attitude and surrounding yourself with a positive
environment will be very helpful in keeping self-doubt away.
The more things are going in the right direction in your
life, the less you will doubt yourself.
If at some point along your journey you find yourself sitting
in the stands and wondering if you truly are “good enough” to be on
the court you will be aided in your return to the game by
maintaining strong personal integrity and remaining true to your
life’s purpose.
I had gone to a
birthday party recently for a 4 year old girl that had many other
kids attending, including her 3-year old cousin.
While talking to the younger girl’s mother, she had said that
the older one had a tendency to be rough with her daughter.
Soon after this, the younger girl came running over for a
drink from her mother’s water and received this message from her
mother; “If she starts pushing you, push her back.”
How awesome is that.
She didn’t say to go find a grown up.
She didn’t say to be nice.
There was no mention of “time outs”.
It was a simple message to say that you deserve better than
that, have some self-respect and don’t allow others to dominate you.
I think this is a message most parents would like to get
across to their children.
Whether you want
to believe it or not, there continue to be a great number of bullies
in this world. No one
wants to be perceived as rude or inconsiderate towards others, but
there are times when you must stand up and be a little more
aggressive than usual.
Sometimes you just have to get in someone’s face and be heard loud
and clear, maybe even a little forcefully.
There is a certain empowerment when this occurs that all of
us need from time to time.
It feels good to spontaneously grow a backbone.
This doesn’t mean that you have to fly off the handle every
time someone cuts you off in their SUV or takes too long in the
check out isle. But to
raise the blood pressure and stand up for yourself, or someone in
need, can do an awful lot of good for the self-confidence.
Sometime the
other person doesn’t realize they have wronged you.
In this case it still feels good to say something so that
they become aware of the error.
At that time you will know if the occurrence was intentional
or not and whether your counterattack is justified.
If someone is deliberately causing a grievance, then don’t
just walk away with your tail between your legs.
There are few things more demoralizing to a person’s
confidence and ego than to be bullied by another.
Don’t allow yourself, or anyone else, to be pushed around or
intimidated by some ignorant fool.
Stick your nose in there and try to make things right.
I have seen too
many people, women especially, being dominated and controlled by an
overbearing and insecure spouse, co-worker or parent because of
their inability to stand up for their beliefs and rights.
I truly believe that this world would be a much safer and
civilized place if more of us stood and raised our voice in our own
defense. Go ahead.
You have my permission to stand up and be heard!!!
Are you
trustworthy? Do you
trust yourself? It
amazes me how many of my clients don’t trust themselves to make good
choices for themselves.
Many times they will delay making decisions to “make sure” they are
making a wise one, regardless of the choice.
Often the
problem lies in the fact that they have grown so accustomed to not
fulfilling their own intentions.
They say they will do something, and routinely find ways to
not get it done.
“Walking the talk” is a cliché from long ago but will always be
relevant. Tasks such as
making a phone call, working out, keeping an appointment, or
household chores are all examples of the little things that we make
small commitments to do.
Whether it is to ourselves or to others, it is a promise
nonetheless. Whenever
you break these promises, it affects how you perceive yourself.
When I think of
someone who has integrity, that person has a “my word is as strong
as oak” mystique about them.
I feel that when they say something will be done and done a
certain way, there is no question of the outcome.
A person like this never struggles with a decision saying, “I
wonder if I’ll screw this one up!”
Someone who has this kind of personal integrity and trust in
himself can always be trusted by others, but most importantly, he
can trust himself.
When you
consistently back up your words, you slowly begin to believe that
you’re trustworthy.
Getting things accomplished gets much more routine.
And most importantly, you start making decisions with
confidence and an intention to fulfill it.
This will undoubtedly lead to wiser choices and a better
quality of life.
Let’s take some
steps to build upon our personal integrity:
·
It’s important
to start small. If you
know that you’re not very consistent in following through with your
promises, make small commitments to yourself and make it a point to
complete them. This
will build your confidence.
·
Make a To-Do
list everyday and include all the big and little tasks that you have
committed to, both to yourself and to others.
Referring back to this list must become a habit; so keep it
very handy and visible.
·
Begin a larger
project that you have interest in with the sole purpose being to
finish it. It could be
reading a large novel, building something in the garage, writing, or
starting an at home business.
Just make sure you keep that promise.
My daughters
sing along to some country song called, “Chicks Dig It.”
Even if you haven’t heard the song, I am sure you get the
point of the lyrics.
The things we will do hoping to get sex.
It’s amazing how silly we get when the possibility of sex is
involved. And I am not
talking just about the men out there either.
You women do some crazy things too.
The fact is sex
is the greatest motivator in nature.
Sex, or reproduction, is the first order of business in
nature. Sex is the most
powerful energy source available to us.
Strong desire is what separates the ordinary from the
extraordinary. With
this in mind, it is easy to see how the desire for sex has lead to
many great achievements.
History is riddled with examples of greatness being achieved
in the hopes of catching the eye of another.
As for achieving
success, I look at sex a bit differently.
Sex, basically, is an energy source.
Have you ever noticed that any time you start a new project,
job, business, hobby, or anything new in your life that you have a
passion for, that many times your sexual desire decreases.
All of a sudden you become so excited about something that
you are almost uninterested in any sexual contact.
This is called
is “Sexual Transmutation”.
It is a channeling of that sexual energy into a new purpose.
It’s the creation of an outlet for energy.
When you have enthusiasm, the body has a way of generating
the necessary energy it needs to accomplish what you really want.
Much like when the Captain of the
This same
concept is available to you.
Many times it is automatic if you are doing your life’s
purpose. If you are
truly following your hearts desire, this power is at your disposal.
With enough will power and discipline, it is also possible to
call upon it as needed.
When this happens, you feel more powerful and more alive than at any
other time. The feeling
is absolutely phenomenal.
It is the very power that can take you where no human has
ever gone before.
This
garbage runs through our heads constantly.
That little voice that continues to tell us what we could
have been. There are so
very few of us who go through life without wondering how our life
could have turned out if we had done things differently.
Our imagination can certainly run a bit wild and drive our
self-esteem directly into the ground when comparing what our life is
and where it “should be.”
It’s OKAY, all
is not lost. The
trouble spot here is fairly simple to attack.
But like most things of this nature, is not real easy to
conquer consistently.
The problem lies in our own intelligence being applied incorrectly.
Let me explain.
I have worked with many clients who have the “shoulds” and it
usually is something that occurred in their childhood or young
adulthood that has continued to attack their self-esteem ever since.
They persistently punish themselves for an act they committed
or a decision they made that turned out very poorly.
Having a ripple effect throughout life.
Sound familiar?
The reason we continue to beat ourselves up is because we now know
what the best decision was for the situation.
Hindsight is always 20-20, right?
We apply what we
know now to what we could have done back then and wonder, “what if?”
This is no good.
I can here you now.
You’re saying, “well this is great, but what can we do about it?”
What we need to
do is re-learn the event and change how we look at it.
This is difficult at times, I know.
But it is very powerful and gets easier with practice.
You must understand that whatever it is you did and whatever
decisions you made, you most likely made what you thought was the
best move, given the amount of knowledge you had at the time.
Most likely you didn’t expect or want the unfavorable results
that occurred. Did you?
You were certainly trying to do what was best for the moment.
Weren’t you?
I know there are
times that we did things because we were a bit lazy, indifferent, or
careless. But for the
most part, most of us still try to do the right things for the right
reasons. It’s just that
some things don’t always blossom as planned.
It’s OKAY, we have time to make a pile of good choices from
here on.
·
Stop dwelling in
the past, it can't be changed. Start focusing and planning more on
your future goals and begin working on those plans in the present.
Past regrets and disappointments will only be destructive.
·
Learn to
recognize "garbage chatter" earlier and shut it down. Positive self
talk such as: "I am a strong person" or "Happiness is my divine
right" can be very helpful.
·
Understand that
you don't know what you don't know. Forgive yourself and release
yourself from blame. Make a list of things you are proud of and
remember these any time the "shoulds" creep back in to your
thoughts.
It’s the New
Year. Time for everyone
to make resolutions and promises to themselves they don’t intend to
keep. Stop smoking,
lose 30 pounds and start that small business out of the home.
Those seem to be the popular ones.
For whatever
reason, we feel the need to make major changes for ourselves at the
beginning of the year.
Yet very few of us actually follow through on our commitments.
The causes behind these breakdowns are endless.
But at the core of this issue is the word change.
Most of the resolutions I hear involve a considerable amount
of personal change. Of
course, this is what many people are most uncomfortable with.
As a rule, most
people are adverse to change.
If you are beginning this year feeling as though you truly
need to follow through with a new year’s resolution, then the first
thing that must happen a commitment to making changes in your
thought process and lifestyle.
If you can commit to this, then you have a chance to make
your resolutions stick.
The trend over
the last decade or so has leaned towards more balance and
simplicity. Most
clients who come to me benefit greatly by simplifying life and
working towards a better balance for themselves.
I know most
everyone wants to have more, more, more!
But this year I’d like to see you try something slightly
different by making a resolution to do less.
They say “less is more”, so this year I would like to see you
attempt to simplify your life considerably.
The ideal place to start is by reducing the number of
commitments that you “have to do”.
Find ways to narrow down the tedious obligations you find
yourself slaving over day after day or week after week. Maybe
simplify your finances by reducing the number of credit cards or
using only one checking account.
Delegate more responsibility to others, both at work and at
home. Take on a lawn
mowing service and open up your Sundays for more rewarding things.
Go out to dinner 1 extra day of the week and get out of the
kitchen. Lower your
stress levels by taking 1, 2 or even 3 days per month at the spa,
pampering your self with extravagant massages and body wraps.
Reduce the number of relationships that are a drain on your
energy and patience.
Eliminate time consuming projects that consistently take time away
from your loved ones.
Most
importantly, schedule time everyday to be alone with only your
thoughts. One of the
most rewarding things you can do for yourself is to learn to sit
quietly in a room by your self with zero distractions and observe
your thoughts and emotions.
Leaning how to enjoy peace and quiet without having to think.
If you’re going
to make a commitment to yourself for 2004, at least consider moving
towards a simpler lifestyle.
I am quite sure you will not be disappointed.
She just has to
have them. There’s just
no stopping her. She
climbs from the arm of the sofa onto the side table and clumsily
draws the colorful flowers from the vase.
Being fairly tall and half full of water, the vase falls over
and cracks creating a small catastrophe on the living room floor.
We naturally grab the giggling 2-year old girl to keep her
from slipping off the table and then run to grab some towels to dry
up the mess. As we
return to the room we can do nothing but laugh out loud as this
little girl raises her bouquet up high over her head and waves to
the crowd just as she saw the Olympic athletes did in the opening
ceremonies. Pretending
just isn’t the same without the props evidently.
Normally
speaking, an event like this would be very frustrating.
But in light of the chaos, loss and pain of the past month
with the storms and destruction that followed, it makes it so much
easier to put this small mishap into perspective.
Since the storms, many of us have been forced to re-evaluate
what is truly important in our lives, and therefore accepting a
toddler’s mischief is a breeze.
There have been times when an accident like my daughter’s
would have been taken too seriously but since the storms have shown
me first hand what true disaster really is, I realize how truly
unimportant small accidents really are in the grand scheme of
things.
Drama seems to
be all around our society.
No matter how small and insignificant an event might be, we
as a society tend to add so much more drama then there needs to be.
We all know people who can’t help but blow everything out of
proportion and make everything out to be so dramatic.
Well maybe now
you realize that those little annoyances that bothered you
throughout your routine day were no big deal after all.
Maybe you’ve learned that those petty inconveniences that
seem to “disrupt” the flow of your day are not worth getting so
upset about. Maybe all
you women out there won’t feel the need to constantly remind us men
about the toilet seat.
Yeah right!!
But seriously
though, let’s let the little things be little things and allow true
drama to carry the significance it demands.
I hope these Hurricanes have allowed you to see what is truly
worth the drama and what is not.
The universe gives us unlimited opportunities to learn from
our misfortunes, whether great or small.
I know that this last month and a half have taught each one
of us lessons in numerous ways and I just wanted to share one of my
personal learning experiences with you.
There sure has
been a lot of talk about storms these last few weeks, the damage
that they cause and the destruction that they leave in their wake.
From this major event we have seen a lot of good
arise…individuals becoming a community, folks stepping out from
behind their gates and doors to embrace neighbors, giving without
expecting in return…the best of human nature.
I’d
like to compare this recent hurricane to our personal, inner storms.
We have all experienced them at one time or another, those feelings
and emotions that rage inside of us and blow our sense of security
away. These storms can
be caused by any number of things, a relationship fading away, a job
that is unfulfilling or suddenly gone, a child’s illness, a parent’s
death. We have all had
feelings of sadness, dismay, or anger that rolls over us in waves
seeming to beat us down and wear away at our sense of self.
These 2 types of
storms have a lot in common.
First, they can come at any time whether we are prepared for
them or not. They can
both gain intensity rapidly and without warning.
Also, they can be devastating.
Shattering our feelings of safety and normalcy.
They can also both cause widespread damage…impacting not only
ourselves, but also others around us.
The recovery from these storms can be slow, painstaking and
hard. But the most
amazing thing that hurricane Charley and these personal storms share
is this: with support each is made better…maybe not wonderful, but
more bearable.
Many people
opened up to others these last weeks.
Reaching out in ways they have never allowed themselves to
before. This storm
shook down our walls and gave us a chance to show our vulnerability.
By showing our true, real selves, many of us have gained
friends and created relationships amidst the debris.
We gave support, and we were supported.
This is the true benefit of storms in our life, the creation
of connections. And,
really, isn’t that what we are here for, to connect with others?
I want to
challenge you all to continue making these connections in the coming
months and years. Don’t
stop because life has returned to ‘normal’.
We can create a new ‘normal’, a community that continually
reaches out, touching others, one that continues to support and care
for one another. This
can be a new day.
Remember that
classmate you wanted to talk to and ask out on a date but you were
too afraid? I certainly
do. I know, logically,
that the worst thing that could happen was a rejection and the best
thing that could happen, well, can’t be written in the newspaper.
The good obviously outweighed the bad, just like most things.
Yet, my discomfort level was too much to overcome.
What I learned
later was that for me to have the courage to take similar chances in
my life, I had to expand my comfort zone.
Our comfort zone acts much like our muscles do.
If you have never stretched your muscles before, the first
time you do is very difficult.
It is often painful as you struggle to even touch your knees,
let alone your toes. I
remember my first martial arts class and all the stretching we had
to do. I was fairly
flexible, as I had always stretched before working out before.
So therefore I figured, “this is easy”; until the next day of
course. I could not
believe how sore I was.
My muscles snapped back on me, much like a rubber band would.
My legs were pretzels.
I learned the hard way that when my muscles stretch, they
will snap back. But
they will not go all the way back to where they were before.
They may be tight and uncomfortable for a while, but they are
just a bit looser and longer than before.
The same goes
for your comfort zone.
When you make a consistent effort to stretch your comfort zone by
pushing yourself into uncomfortable situations, your comfort zone
gets a little bit bigger.
Each time you do, it gets easier and easier.
Your comfort zone will actually “loosen up”.
After a while you’ll be as outgoing and courageous as ever.
Some ideas as to
how to overcome your anxiety:
-
Make an
effort each day to stretch that comfort zone in some small way.
Everyone is different, so for you that might mean singing
karaoke in public or simply talking to a stranger in the check
out line.
-
Use
visualization to help you overcome this uncomfortable feeling.
Actually place yourself mentally in situations that you
already know are uncomfortable and see yourself having the
confidence and courage to say or do what you would normally not,
even though you wanted to.
-
When faced
with circumstances that are extremely uncomfortable, yet action
on your part is necessary, just do it.
There is no trick here.
You just have to suck it up and do it.
We sometimes are placed in situations when you just have
to. Once you do, you’ll
have a great deal more confidence.
Ever traveled
down a bumpy road with hundreds of small repairs and wondered why
they haven’t just repaved the entire road.
I have. I have
also noticed that all of us have done this same thing to ourselves
from time to time. We
find small quick fixes to the holes in our lives.
One of the
basics in Eastern medicine is the understanding that if we want to
heal the body, we must address the core issue leading to the
illness. Western
medicine spends a considerable amount of time addressing the
symptoms of the illness rather than the cause.
I have always found this very interesting, which is why my
family doctor is an acupuncturist.
A similar
pattern occurs with many of the books I see in the self-help section
of the bookstore. There
are dozens of different books on how to deal with anger, stress,
frustration, time management or budgeting.
All of these types of books have some good points but are
generally missing the point.
They don’t usually address the underlying causes and how to
make significant changes.
If you are
angry, maybe you need to better address why you are angry as opposed
to how to deal with the anger when it occurs.
There are thousands of sources for stress, some obvious and
some very subtle. If
you try to understand the source of your stress, dealing with stress
becomes much easier.
I understand
that the root causes of many of these symptoms could go back a long
time and be strongly connected with some deep and painful memories
and emotions. I also
know it is much easier to deal with the symptoms rather than the
cause. Nobody enjoys
the work and pain involved with healing.
Many times it involves making changes to your livelihood in
areas you have come so accustomed to avoiding or hiding.
Much like patching the potholes in a road is easier than
repaving the whole thing, many people spend much of their lives
trying to control the side effects of their pain instead of going
through “all the trouble of fixing the problem.”
Millions of people throughout history have made it to ripe old ages
by using this patchwork strategy.
Most of those suffered much more than they needed to, because
I’m sure the cumulative pain over years far out weighed the much
shorter term pain of healing that they might have endured.
My question to you is this, “How much pain do you want to
carry with you through life and for how long?”
If your
answer is “As little as possible” than you have some work ahead of
you with the understanding that ripping up those patches could be
very painful, yet necessary for healing.
Once you notice a recurring symptom that is uncomfortable,
like stress, frustration, or anger, than you need to be honest with
yourself as to what the root cause is and then make steps for
correction. I am sorry
there is no easy and magical answer for easing this process.
You just have to do it.
But I promise, afterward the road will be much smoother.
Life’s most
important lessons have a strange knack for showing up in the
strangest places. Tom’s was in the toilet. Tom Golden is a guy from
my small hometown in
Now I know that
we have all heard this line from a parent or a teacher at some point
in our lives, but for Tom it continues to make an obvious impact on
the person he has become. When it comes to roll models, Tom is as
good as it gets. If I made a list of all the characteristics I would
love to have, Tom has them all. Few can match his integrity, his
loyalty or his ability to live with his heart on his sleeve. Tom is
this way with his friendship, his work, his family and himself. Tom
is one of the most impressive people I have ever met. But the one
thing that sticks out to me is his desire to finish what he starts.
Tom was an
athlete throughout school who always struggled with academics, but
it certainly was not from a lack of effort. Tom went to college in
hopes of becoming a teacher. For most, a teaching degree is a 4 or
5-year degree. Tom graduated in 8 years. At first that sounds very
unimpressive, but trust me, impressive it was.
Tom is what I
call a “Finisher.” After he determines what needs to be done, he
does it. It doesn’t matter what it costs, how long it takes or what
obstacles might come along. Tom will finish. He played linebacker in
football because the linebacker’s job is to finish the play. When I
passed him the basketball, I knew I wasn’t getting it passed back
because he was going to shoot it. When he took the pitcher’s mound,
it was a safe bet he was not going to need a relief pitcher. Not
because he was greedy but because it was his nature to finish the
play.
I as look back
on my life I can easily remember times when I wish I had that same
“Finisher” attitude as Tom does. After spending some time with him
recently at a wedding, he told me the toilet story and it reminded
me how special he is and how much I wish I was like him. I am so
glad we got the opportunity to talk. At that time I made a promise
to myself to try to become just a little bit more like him everyday.
No excuses. No whining. Get it done. I know that if I can become
half as good a “Finisher” as Tom, I will be way ahead of the pack.
Thank you Tom for being the shining example for me and others to
follow.
My high school
basketball team was 20 – 2 going into our district championship
game. We were the heavy
favorites, which was the first time ever for my high school.
We were ranked in the top ten in the state and had already
beaten this team twice before, but in
Well for
starters, our class had always been winners when playing sports
together. From the time
we started competing against other schools in 7th grade,
we had won most every game.
We were winners.
Surely this district championship would be no different, right?
No!!
We lost that
game by a close margin in the last moments of the game.
We were so very much better than the other team and we were
playing on our home floor.
How could this happen?
This question has haunted me for the last 12 years (I still
can’t believe it has been 12 years).
Then I met Lester Davis, once a motivational speaker and now
a very successful Primerica Rep.
He told me
something that I always knew in my gut but could never put into the
appropriate words. He
said, “There are 3 types of winners in this world; Winners,
Champions, and Legends.”
Wow, there it was!
It explained everything about my school and my team, as well
as myself.
We were so
impressed with ourselves for overcoming this stigma of losing that
had hung over our school for as long as we could remember, that we
never figured that we could be champions, or even more.
We labeled ourselves as winners and did just that.
But winners only go to a certain point.
We had set the bar at merely winning most of the games,
instead of telling ourselves that we can be champions.
This realization
has caused me to completely reevaluate my perspective of myself.
I have indeed considered myself to be a winner all these
years, not knowing that all the while I was limiting myself.
Because of the way I looked at myself, I was actually holding
myself back from achieving all that I was capable of.
The language we
use inside our own heads is crucial.
Not only is it important to stay positive with ourselves, but
also the exact words we use are equally important.
The only thing we, as human beings can do is try to improve
ourselves as much as possible before it’s all over.
So my advice to all of us is this:
Keep raising your own personal bar for satisfaction and
fulfillment and your personal growth will never cease.
How is that
possible? How can it be
that the only way to properly dry my car with a shammy is to get the
shammy wet? Why doesn’t
it work when the shammy is dry?
Very perplexing.
This event came
to mind recently when I had a lady profess to me that she felt empty
and unloved by those around her.
Neither her husband, her kids, nor her parents made her feel
like she was truly loved.
Now, I know for a fact hat she is admired, respected, and
greatly loved by these people, as well as just about everyone she
comes in contact with.
So, why was she still feeling this way?
I think a lot of people can easily recognize that the problem
here stems from her lack of love for herself.
In this way,
love is very much like the shammy.
No matter how much love gets thrown at you, if you are not
already filled with love for yourself, it doesn’t get absorbed.
This woman simply hasn’t dampened her shammy yet!
Love is meant to be absorbed and fulfilling, and if she has
not proven that she can absorb love and caring from herself then she
will not be able to receive this same love from anyone else.
She will remain dry and unsaturated.
For someone in
this state it doesn’t really matter how many people express their
appreciation or love to them, they still feel empty, lonely, and
unloved. There appears
to be no way of cheering them up or convincing them that they are
loved, at least not for a significant period of time.
When praises or words of affection come, they are received
with an inner disbelief that is difficult to penetrate, leading the
individual to believe that “no one loves me”, “or I am unloved”.
This is a scary
place to be, to say the least, but it is not the end of the world.
Learning how to love yourself takes time, but it is certainly
worth every minute.
If this is
reflective of your life, you need to take the time to learn how to
appreciate and love yourself, because, living life as a saturated
towel isn’t nearly as bad as it sounds!
“Being in the
Zone” is a term most often heard when referring to a basketball
player being on a phenomenal hot streak shooting the ball.
It’s used to describe the feeling of being on an incredible
roll and the confidence and swagger that accompanies the phenomena.
It’s in those moments when the basket seems to be 4 feet wide
and you believe you cannot miss.
Everything about your game is flowing perfectly.
You are light on your feet, everything is effortless and you
are in perfect rhythm.
There is a natural, euphoric high of confidence that says; “I can’t
be stopped.” This a
feeling that many basketball players have felt at some point to a
certain degree in their lives and is the reason we all continue to
play. It’s addictive
and we want more. If
you have ever experienced it, you know you want to do it again!
Confidence and
rhythm should be one of our goals in every pursuit.
That amazing feeling of being in perfect sync, of finding
just the right rhythm really can be experienced in every other area
of life, whether it is business, golf, our marriage, career,
friendships or child rearing, we want to find our perfect flow.
There are so
many individuals living lives full of the completely opposite
feeling. They wake up frustrated, feeling as if they are constantly
spinning their wheels.
There is no confidence; there is only hard work, great effort, and
little or no positive results.
You know as well
as I do that life isn’t easy, but being in a ‘zone’ only makes
things appear that way.
When I watch my wife give a seminar I know she is in her ‘zone’. But
I also know the effort and work that she puts into getting there.
How do we get in
the ‘zone’? Does
confidence come first leading to success, or do we have a success
that builds our confidence allowing us to find our rhythm?
I believe that both happen at different times through our
lives.
You need to
begin with positive activity. Positive activity is the only way to
break out of stagnation; it stirs things up, and gets things in
motion. You need to
move forward. Increased
meaningless activity only creates more stagnation.
Regardless of how small the steps seem at the time, if you
are moving towards your goal, you are getting closer to experiencing
the ‘zone’.
Accomplishment
with any endeavor requires a certain amount of effort and focus.
With great confidence comes decreased effort.
Normally difficult challenges become easy.
Frustrations become a thing of the past.
The rhythm makes progress effortless and painless.
You can experience this on a regular basis, just start moving
forward.
What is your
identity? Do people identify you by your job or career? Maybe they
identify you by a sport that you coach or play, a hobby, a
personality type or your charitable work. I’m not talking about your
physical characteristics in this example. What I mean by identity is
how you are known by those around you. Perhaps you are known as the
boater, the football player or the
Should we care
what other people see us?
I believe that the answer is yes.
How other people see you can give you a measuring stick for
how you hoped to live your life. It can tell you if you truly are
living in the manner you intended. This certainly doesn’t mean you
have to live up to other people’s expectations, but rather, are you
living up to your own?
One way to raise
this question to yourself is, “Does my identity match my vision of
the ideal me?” Does this identity serve me anymore, or am I stuck in
a rut of living just as I did 5 years ago?
Does my identity still fit? Is this how you want to be seen
at this point in my life?
Is there more to me than this identity allows me to project?
If so, how can this perception be changed?
If looked at
from this perspective, your identity can give you a little
direction. It can show you where adjustments can be made in your
life; a wake up call to get your life back on track. We all have an
ideal vision of ourselves and we all would like others to see us the
same way. This is why many of us use “masks” to give a false
impression of ourselves. It is all a ploy to project a certain
identity.
Your task is to
carve out an identity that is true, real, and fits you like a glove,
one that you can be proud of, giving you a strong, unshakable sense
of who you are. This
will keep you living the way you want to, and ultimately lead to
greater happiness and fulfillment.
