True Vision Coaching
Sam Grear
Success Coach
Our society
celebrates the unselfishness and caring of the giver.
The givers of time, money, sweat and emotions are placed in
such high regard by our media and community that many people search
out the opportunities to be recognized as a hero or savior.
For some, this search is motivated by a strong desire to
avoid being the recipient of help.
Being seen as a burden on others is as great a fear as any,
yet much harder to identify because this fear works on a
sub-conscious level.
It’s acts as a cover for the fear of needing to be saved themselves.
What happens is
that drive to help, help, help will often cause one to sacrifice
themselves in the meantime.
If all or the majority of your time and energy are invested
in others, how much time and energy are you able to invest in
yourself? This can
create an endless cycle of you helping others and forcing others to
help you after you have worn yourself down to illness, fatigue or
injury. Not taking care
of yourself actually becomes a burden on those around you.
It sucks being a burden on other people and feeling like a
charity. It’s degrading
and demoralizing. So in
an effort to thwart this feeling, we overcorrect the issue by giving
to others to the extreme.
This is the
example of how a drowning man cannot save another drowning man.
If you don’t take adequate time and energy to keep yourself
in good condition physically, emotionally, and spiritually, then it
will become increasingly difficult to be a savior when the
opportunity comes around.
If you don’t take any time and energy whatsoever to keep
yourself strong, then you are destined to become burdensome on those
closest to you. This
last example is the most disruptive and frustrating because it is
not fair to those closest to you, it is not helping you in the long
run, nor is it allowing you to be at your best for those who need
you.
Most likely
those closest to you understand that you have a good heart and want
to be a blessing to others.
They know they can count on you to be there when needed.
Your responsibility is to be ready when called upon.
That means that you must take some personal time to recharge.
Take “me” days and pamper yourself from time to time.
Coddle yourself with a day at the spa, a round of golf or a
getaway weekend on your own.
The point here is to re-center yourself and nourish your soul
so when the opportunity arises, you may give everything you need to
instead of everything you are capable.
If that isn’t a win-win scenario, than I don’t know what is.
Then it happens.
Your golden opportunity to confidently unleash your carefully
planned remarks and it comes out as an emphatic, “Oh yeah?”
You totally freeze.
You walk away sheepishly only to spend the next half hour
going over and over the event thinking that you could have said this
or that. How you should
have taken control and pounced like you did in practice.
All right, you
caught me. This is what
I have done and I am hoping that I am not the only one.
My point here is that when the time has come in our lives to
communicate to other people, especially those close to us, many of
us clam up and stay quiet.
What I’m talking about here is the important conversations
that many of us avoid because they are either uncomfortable topics
or we are worried about a negative response or reaction.
It may be the
“birds and bees” talk with a daughter. Maybe there is a lie
that was caught and needs to be confessed.
Perhaps relationship boundaries need to be discussed with a
spouse or a friend.
Regardless, we know these “scary” conversations need to take place,
yet we often put them off until the last possible moment, even
though we are sure we will feel so much better afterward.
Why are we so
afraid to communicate with each other?
Whether it’s spouses, friends, parents and kids or employees
and employers, we all know how much better these relationships would
be with better communication, don’t we?
We all have things we would like to say to someone, yet we
often will use any excuse not to say it.
I know I am just
repeating a lesson your parents barked to you a hundred times when
you were a teenager, but I think it’s a lesson worth learning again
and again and again.
The only approach to best handle this issue is to do it right now.
Do not wait until just the right moment, because that time
seldom comes. Every
minute spent worrying, is one less minute of relief that it’s over
and done with.
Do you think
you’re perspective of yourself is accurate?
Do you think your opinion of yourself is realistic?
How does this opinion compare to other’s opinion about you?
I would bet it is much different.
The way we look at ourselves is so skewed.
The way we gauge ourselves to the world is so unfair.
What is considered “normal” in this society is actually a
rather high bar to reach for most.
How
many 14-year old girls struggle with who they are?
Comparing their status by gauging themselves against others.
That may be against other girls in their class, older girls
from their school or women from TV and magazines.
This is certainly a very difficult issue with all of us, not
just for teenage girls.
If we never
compare ourselves to others, how can we know if we are continuing to
make progress? If we
compare our financial status by comparing to Bill Gates, it can be
rather discouraging.
Yet if we continue to compare our success to those who don’t possess
the same level of talents and potential as you, it may actually slow
your growth. Unfair
comparisons can be very damaging to your self-esteem as well as to
your progress.
When I was on
the cross country team in high school, our coach would point out
people on the other teams that had previous best times about 30-40
seconds faster than our own and told us to stick with or beat that
person. He did this for
a very specific reason.
He didn’t want us to be discouraged because the leaders were 3
minutes ahead of us, nor did he want us to hold back and be
satisfied beating an inferior runner.
The result was that we continued to push ourselves to improve
a little bit each race.
So determining a
true idea as to how we stand as individuals is the key.
I believe perspective is everything when it comes to
happiness and self-worth.
Because of this, I also believe there is no such thing as
reality. Since we all
interpret our surroundings so vastly different, who is to say what
is true, correct or real?
The same applies
to your self-worth. Who
is to say how you stack up against others?
Who is to say that you need to stack up against others in the
first place? The answer
can only come from you.
Your looks, your brains and your talents are comparisons that you
can elect to make or not.
And if you choose to make these comparisons, then be most
careful as to whom you are gauging yourself against.
Here we go!
The rat race is up and running again.
Fresh enthusiasm for the New Year and the onset of seasonal
work and business can be exciting, yet exhausting at the same time.
Like many people
last year, you probably found yourself spinning your wheels just
trying to keep up with the work of daily life.
Between your job and sleep you had to tend to errands,
chores, soccer and football practice, lawn care, friends, family and
occasional play time.
Often feeling like your life was an endless collection of activity
leading you nowhere fast.
Looking
back over the last year, do you feel you worked very hard without
really accomplishing anything?
As soon as one activity was finished, you were racing off to
the next? That feeling
is not at all uncommon.
A full life automatically creates huge demands on our time and
energy.
Frustration
probably surfaced repeatedly because you wanted to feel like you
were accomplishing something worth while.
Even though you may be able to look back at the last year and
be proud of some of the strides you and your family made, the
treadmill of life probably didn’t let you enjoy it along the way.
You may be sitting there thinking that there is little or no
feeling of satisfaction for all of the small jobs you did well.
I know what I am
about to say may go in one ear (or is it eye?) and out the other,
and that you have heard it before, but a journal may be just the
ticket to giving you a feeling of satisfaction!
Yes, many of you
may feel that keeping a journal is rather juvenile, or that only
teenage girls should keep diaries, but the fact of the matter is
that a journal is very helpful for certain personality types and for
many personal issues.
For this
example, I would like to suggest a different kind of journal I call
a “disposable journal.”
For this you don’t need to keep a book in the nightstand drawer for
someone else to find, you don’t need to be a creative writer nor
does it require an hour to compose every night.
All you have to
do is use a small pad of paper and make a detailed list of
everything you accomplished during that day.
Recalling all the small steps of progress you made toward the
bigger goals in life.
This can include a list of all of the phone calls you made, or the
people that you spoke with to resolve problems, etc.
After you are done, simply toss it away.
The job is done.
The point of
this exercise is to quickly show yourself that you did make progress
and that your time and energy were not wasted.
I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal, but please believe
me, it can have a significant impact on your daily productivity.
You know as well as I do that you don’t want a blank list at
the end of the day tomorrow!
How can we
possibly be productive in our lives when we have kids, e-mails,
ringing phones, meals, errands, chores and who knows what else
pulling us in every direction but forward?
It’s no wonder we often feel like we’re just spinning our
wheels. Every time we
turn around, it seems like we have yet another distraction hindering
our life’s progress.
Whether we’re talking about our career, our relationships, or our
hobbies, distractions will always be lurking.
It would be
great if everybody had a personal assistant to run your errands and
answer your phone for you.
It would be nice if enjoying some quiet time with the
significant other was as peaceful and spontaneous as it was
pre-kids. But that is
not how most of us live our lives.
It now becomes a task to find a way to relax and unwind.
Trying to muster the time to rekindle the relationship is
tough. Having the
energy to spend quality time playing with your kids seems
impossible.
The fact is, if
you are going to deal with life’s endless barrage of distractions
and obstacles, and certain amount of focus, planning, and sacrifice
is warranted. Couples
need to plan time for themselves away from the everyday.
This doesn’t mean you have to go hike the
Sacrifices
should be made for the more important things, like your kids.
I know I wrote that kids can be a distraction, but enjoying
quality time with our kids will often get sidetracked by other
distractions. Planning
this time with them, whether they are aware of it or not, is vitally
important for both children and parents.
Most of our
lives can be enormously more rewarding and fulfilling if we make an
honest effort to simplify our lives from these distractions.
By thoroughly examining where much of our time and energy
goes, we can find a multitude of ways to cut out wasted effort and
stay focused on the task at hand.
For instance, allow the phone to go to voice mail when
watching a movie, or check your e-mail just once or twice a day.
Perhaps your day would be better spent at the park playing
catch with your son than mowing the lawn.
The options and opportunities are endless.
The point is to prioritize.
Figure out what is truly important and deserves your time and
energy and allow this focus to override the possible distractions
that erupt. Efficiency
and calmness in your life are so much easier to come by when
simplicity is the rule.
Sure, there are
times that I search for something a bit different, but do you think
I actually put something new in my cart?
No. I always
seem to find a way to talk myself out of it with an “I’m not sure
how to prepare it properly” or “I doubt the kids will like it” type
of excuse.
Not only that, I
find we go to the same restaurants where I’ll usually order the same
things I already know I like and again wonder why I am unsatisfied
with the variety in my diet.
Where am I going with this?
Well, I have
noticed that many of us do the same thing with our social life.
I have had several clients tell me there are unsatisfied with
their social life. They
claim their life is dull and unexciting.
My question to them is, “Do you ever try something completely
new and different? Do
you suppose it is your lack of options or your failure to try new
things?” Often we find
that they are stuck in a type of “social rut” where they find
themselves doing the same thing and seeing the same people every
time they leave the house.
Perhaps you have
days when it seems like your life is boring and there are times when
it seems you do the same “exciting” things every weekend.
Maybe variety is not exactly the word you would use to
describe your social life?
If this is the case, step out of your comfort zone just a bit
get out there and try some new things.
You could take a
class, whether that’s a karate, dance or history class.
Take in a rodeo,
concert, or symphony that you never considered before.
Go to an establishment that you always avoided before.
You never know who you might meet, what you might learn, or
what you might find exciting if you don’t try it at least once.
If your life is indeed a little stagnant, maybe it is time to
visit a different aisle in life’s store!
I love
surprises. When someone
comes up to me and says I have a surprise for you, I have nothing
but positive expectations.
What could it be?
It could be something fun or something I really needed or
wanted. If the bearer
of this surprise is excited, I get an almost childish anticipation,
much like my early Christmas mornings.
Some of my best memories involve this same type of
anticipation, which I relate to past surprises.
Do you like
surprises? When someone
comes up to you and says, ”I’ve got a surprise for you,” are you
excited for the possibilities or put on the defensive?
If you get excited, then I would guess that you too have past
memories of pleasant, unexpected gifts.
Even more so, you have a tendency to expect good things to
come into your life.
You are not afraid of changes that might occur in your life.
You have higher expectations of yourself and belief that
things happen for a reason.
On the flip
side, if you do not like surprises than the opposite is likely to be
true. You are most
fearful of change.
Unexpected events have a tendency, in your mind, to be unpleasant or
unwelcome. You do not
expect good things to come into your life and feel like the cards
seem like they are stacked against you.
Perhaps you fail to recognize it even when good things do
come into your life.
Regardless of
which end of the spectrum you lean to, asking yourself this question
can give you some insight into your view of yourself and you
potential. It can show
you if you are generally negative or positive towards your own life.
Most certainly it gives clues to your level of fear when it
comes to change.
The causes
behind a fear of change are endless, but there is just one solution
to overcoming this fear; change itself.
I know, yuck.
But stretching your comfort zone by making small changes is the only
way to get over this fear.
Then by graduating up to bigger changes, you start to gain
more confidence in your ability to change.
With practice, change becomes easy and may eventually become
an addictive lifestyle.
As this evolves,
all of a sudden the good things that were already coming into your
life become much more noticeable.
With this awareness, you will begin expecting these things to
continue coming and they will.
Perhaps you might even enjoy a surprise now and then.
I was young and
dumb, an immature little cuss who thought I was going to rule the
world one day. Everyone
should bow at my feet and give me praise.
Well, maybe this is an exaggeration, but there were many
times when my young ego greatly influenced how I acted towards my
college roommate. The
circumstances surrounding our relationship are not very important.
The fact that I let our relationship deteriorate definitely
is.
It is a
relationship that I most definitely wish I had today.
He was a great friend to have in every respect.
I am sorry to say that it has been ten years since we last
spoke. Why didn’t I
make an effort to reconcile our relationship?
The reason is simple enough, I am embarrassed and ashamed of
how I handled our friendship.
I have always
figured that I should avoid the issue because I am most certain that
he still has ill feelings towards me and he wouldn’t want to talk to
me even if I tried. Of
course this is ridiculous.
Isn’t it amazing how silly things can sound after you say
them out loud?
It is pretty
safe to assume that he is much more mature now as well, and probably
understands where my stupidity stemmed from.
He probably assumes that I have gotten over myself and can be
realistic and sensible in my (somewhat) advanced age.
He most likely has even forgiven me.
This is my
personal example, but this is an issue that every one of us can
easily relate to because there is not a person alive that hasn’t
made a regrettable mistake that has caused friction in a
relationship. Very few
people can say that they have reconciled every meaningful lost or
damaged relationship in their lives.
This could be with a parent, sibling, child, friend,
co-worker, client or any other important person that has entered
your life.
This doesn’t
mean that this person is never talked to again.
Something happens that immediately makes things
uncomfortable. This
discomfort may cause us to avoid the situation by always talking
about other things as if everything was normal, or by interacting as
little as possible. We
choose to avoid the issue because avoidance is easier than
reconciliation. And,
like most things in life, the easiest choice is often not the best
one.
If contact is
actually made, most of the time the perception of ill will towards
each other is not nearly as bad as once thought.
Actually making the contact is not nearly as difficult as one
would think, and the reception on the other end is often much better
than imagined.
Does this mean
that all relationships should be rekindled?
I don’t believe so.
Some relationships end because they need to end, but if
fixing a relationship is avoided because of fear, embarrassment,
anger or shame, then maybe the effort towards rebuilding could prove
very rewarding.
Jazz.
Why jazz? One
day I am driving down the road and I don’t feel like listening to
the programmed stations I would normally listen to.
So I start flipping through the stations and I land on a jazz
station. I have never
had any interest in listening to jazz.
But for that day it was just the rhythm and sounds that my
ears wanted to hear.
This actually continued for several days.
I even temporarily replaced one of my previously programmed
stations with this one.
For the bulk of the time that I tuned in, the question of “why
jazz?” and “why now?” continued to puzzle me.
Then I
realized that this was one of my clues.
Our shifts in normal activities, preferences and interests
are signs of how we are currently feeling.
If noticed and evaluated, these signs can give hints about
our confidence level, annoyances or subtle wishes, wants or needs.
Things in our
lives like the types of music, books, movies, night-life, TV or
friends can give incite into subtle internal issues we may be
avoiding or have not noticed before.
Story lines within books, on-screen or in lyrics can lean
towards a certain lifestyle that is quietly desired.
The pace could be more chaotic which might be a reflection of
how current life is running a bit chaotic.
Maybe there has been a shift towards a more soothing music
and entertainment, meaning that a simpler, more satisfying life is
being enjoyed.
This is what I
think about every time I see a teenager wearing black denim garbage
bags for pants, 16 tattoos, four pounds of “bling-bling” and
listening to deafening, chaotic noise that they claim is music.
It is painfully obvious that most any child with this
lifestyle has nothing but chaos running rampant in the head.
The music, and any other interest, is a reflection on how
this person is feeling on the inside.
Ever lose
interest in friends? It
doesn’t mean that you are a snob.
It might just means that your pace of life has changed.
The cool thing is that this shift in interest for a specific
type of friend can be recognized and used as a sign that your
interests are probably changing elsewhere as well.
Sometimes it might even mean you are maturing as a person.
(Am I the only one that thinks that came across as a bad
thing?)
This allows you
to live life a bit more proactively rather that reactively.
It’s like when you go to Mardi Gras for a week’s vacation
only to realize that the all out party scene isn’t nearly as
interesting as it used to be.
Perhaps a relaxing trip to a secluded cabin next to a
mountain stream was what you really wanted but you didn’t realize it
until after you wasted $35 on plastic beads.
This is just a just a simple example of how you can take
advantage of the subtle clues that are always around you.
Do you have a
good life? I know that
many of my columns talk to those who would answer “no” to this
question, but this week want to speak to those of you who would
answer “yes”. The
person who is genuinely satisfied with the status of his or her
lifestyle and is doing their best to maintain it.
Even if you have “made it” in your eyes, I am here to tell
you that your work is not done.
It really doesn’t matter what stage in life you are in,
maintaining a high level of happiness and fulfillment takes a
certain amount of effort, planning and sacrifice.
If our
universe teaches us nothing else, it shows us that there is no such
thing as “status quo”.
Nothing can be preserved forever and nothing ever remains constant.
Rome crumbled as will the pyramids, eventually.
Fortunes are lost and perfect marriages falter.
I know, what a downer, right?
Well I don’t
mean to sound so pessimistic.
My point here is simple.
If you are truly enjoying your success, don’t stop working on
improving it. The
Whether it’s
your marriage, your career, your family or your golf game, if you
think that it will stay great without any additional effort, you’re
greatly mistaken. How
many celebrities in our lifetime have we seen “make it” only to end
up in rehab 3 years later trying to put their life back together?
As soon as one stops putting in the time and energy to keep
their life moving forward, it begins to rust.
To create this
lifestyle undoubtedly meant that you had to step out of your comfort
zone and challenge yourself in some way.
I do not expect you to take extreme measures and take
unnecessary risks. Yet
I do feel that you should continue to re-evaluate your priorities
and goals. Don’t be
afraid to challenge yourself and continue pushing your comfort zone
little by little. This
way you will keep the paint fresh and the rust at bay.
Just remember that life either gets better or not, but
nothing ever remains status quo.
First glance
into the eyes of a newborn, especially your own child, and it is so
easy to imagine all the great possibilities that come with a new
life. My youngest girl
is almost 3-years old now and still there are so few days when I
don’t ponder her limitless potential.
I truly believe that anything she wants to do, have, feel,
accomplish and dream is possible.
So what is holding her back?
Well, besides being a bit short, her understanding of money
and that alphabet thing, there is nothing to hold her back.
We
could use the same reasoning for all of us.
Once we have reached the physical, mental and emotional
maturity to begin striving for the life we want, we don’t really
have a good excuse.
There are plenty of “unintelligent” people with money.
There are abused people with great marriages.
There are happy people with disabilities.
Regardless of what the “limiting factor” might be, there is
somebody who overcame that same obstacle and prospered.
What’s your excuse?
Somehow our
environment has convinced us that we can only be so successful or
happy. We can only
reach certain heights.
We learn to create limits for our potential and these limits become
a natural defense mechanism created out of fear.
Most of the reasons we give ourselves for underachieving,
settling or failing all boil down to fear.
The great thing
about believing something negative is that we can also believe
something positive. The
brain is not stone. It can
be manipulated into believing anything we want it to.
Since it has already been manipulated into coming to the
ludicrous conclusion that we are limited, than it can just as simply
be manipulated the other way.
Not easy, but simple.
It all starts
with a choice to make perceptual changes.
A decision must be made on your part to commit to making
substantial changes about how you view yourself.
What your role and purpose are.
What you are capable of. Visualize yourself doing and being
more and soon you will start to become more.
Continuous thought and belief that you can is essential.
From this point the ball will start rolling for you and your
focus will shift to new and exciting opportunities that you will
know you can experience.
The point is
that there is no viable excuse for not molding a life you can be
satisfied with. The
only reason you haven’t up to now is your belief system and the
limits personally placed upon you.
Release yourself from these limits and start dreaming of your
child-like potential.
I believe there
are few things in our life more important than the ability to make
good, sound decisions.
Nearly everything that encompasses our lives today is the result of
our past choices. It is
safe to say that an “expert” decision-maker will have a more
successful and fulfilling life than a “poor” decision-maker.
I believe this happens because the “expert” decision-maker
will be much more in control of their destiny.
The fact is that choices will always arise and decisions will
have to be made. If you
don’t make the choices for your life, then somebody else will. Many
people believe they consistently make bad choices and therefore will
often allow others to choose for them, feeling that others are
better equipped to decide.
If you can’t
trust that your choices will turn out well, then fear will
immediately arise when faced with even the smallest decision.
This will naturally lead to procrastination, avoidance and
apathy. Then the
question becomes, how do I become confident in my choices?
Well this is a fairly simple solution.
Practice.
Decision-making improves with practice.
Making choices gets significantly easier with practice.
Our goal here is
to have faith that our decisions, whether great or small, have a
good chance of working out the way you intend.
The only way to gain the trust is to begin making decisions
and observing the results.
Begin with small things like ordering quickly and decisively
from a menu or when clothes shopping.
If someone asks where to go to lunch, answer them instead of
saying “anywhere’s fine”.
Make a decisive vacation choice or pick out a movie in two
minutes instead of twenty.
Whatever decision opportunities you may encounter, make your
choice without worry of missed opportunity and stay committed to it.
The trick here
is to not waver from your decision.
In order to prove anything to yourself, you must stick with
your decision long enough to be sure of the outcome.
If your choice requires a plan to carry out, follow through
with it until completion.
Making little
decisions takes the same effort and faith as the big decisions.
Some choices may be more complicated than others, requiring
more diligence and caution.
But the trust and faith required to carry through on a
decision remains the same.
Make your choice with confidence that you do indeed make good
choices and see it through till the result is apparent.
Eventually you will be able trust your gut instinct to the
point where there are no big or little decisions.
When you get to a point where this process is automatic, you
will find that they are no real choices at all.
You will just be taking the path you were meant to follow.
I went to bed late.
Woke up late. Went to
an occasional class.
Played basketball 4 or 5 days a week.
Partied even more frequently.
I had few responsibilities and I had as much fun as possible.
That was my college experience.
My parents think I squandered it and I feel I savored it.
Who is right doesn’t matter, what does matter is that I would
love to have that kind of freedom and independence again in my
current life. A chance
to re-live those same feelings, and not take them for granted.
But I can’t. Whether I
like it or not, having a family will keep me from living with that
same feeling of independence and freedom that I felt during that
time in my life. I am not 19 years old anymore and I can’t
chase women 24 hours a day, party all week, nor occasionally take my
responsibilities lightly. It’s not that I have zero autonomy
to speak of, it’s just different.
Do I
think about it at times?
Of course I do.
I consider my college years the most exciting period of my life.
But investing time and energy trying to re-live those years
is really a waste of time.
Nothing lasts forever, especially emotions.
We become dissatisfied with our lives because our experiences are
not nearly as exhilarating or passionate as they were when we were
younger. This is almost
the definition of the mid-life crisis, man’s attempt to re-live
their younger, more vibrant years.
The cause stems from not searching out new avenues for
excitement. If we
haven’t found new ways to get inspired and passionate, then our
thoughts revert back to when we were more enthused by life.
What you would do specifically to reach a similar level of emotion
only you can know. It
could be a new career, a new hobby or project, spiritual re-birth or
new found excitement with family and friends.
The point here is to understand that re-living a past
lifestyle may be completely unreasonable and moving forward in your
life has a chance to be even more rewarding and fun.
Setting your sights on a new chapter in your life will allow you to
search out new feelings and emotions.
Finding new ways to be proud of who you are and who you are
becoming will keep you looking forward instead of backwards, which
is always a good thing.
My wife is
someone who hates to fail.
Failure is just not something that she considers an option.
Everything that she does, she does well.
She regularly sets herself up for success rather than
failure. One of the
ways that she does this is with preparation.
Starting the
first day of December, she begins preparing for the New Year.
She sets aside days where she creates lists of goals she
desires to achieve and resources that she has available.
She then draws up schedules and more lists and slowly begins
implementing changes into her routine that will allow her to be well
on her path to completing her resolutions BEFORE January 1 rolls
around!
Think about how
much sense this makes.
When a restaurant or retail store holds their big grand opening
event, they have already been open for several days prior to the
official “Grand Opening” event in order to work out some of the
kinks, so that when it really counts, things will go more smoothly.
Now is the
perfect time of year to do the same thing for yourself.
You know that you have plans and hopes for changes in the New
Year. Why not give
yourself some momentum by starting them now?
Give yourself a couple weeks of practice before officially
taking the plunge.
If you have
plans on losing a fair amount of weight, then you can take this time
to figure out a workout routine you can be happy with.
You can start adjusting your diet slowly in order to pick
healthier choices you can enjoy.
If schedule changes are needed, you may as well try finding
the time now to see what will work best for you.
If you are a
person who can change on a dime, or who keeps every single
‘resolution’ you make, then don’t worry about preparing now.
You can decide your goals in the first slurred minutes of
2005. If, however, you
are like most humans and slow to change, or find yourself struggling
to begin new habits, you can begin laying the groundwork for your
own successes today!
Determine what
goals you wish to achieve, create a plan for bringing them into
reality, pull in the necessary help, and really experience a New
Year a New You! Prepare
to achieve.
Have
you ever noticed how quickly emotions get frayed when the holidays
begin to bear down on us?
Worries, stress and chaos can lead to immense frustration and
even depression. This
seems to occur even more so during the holiday season.
We put an unnecessary amount of pressure and high
expectations on ourselves during this time of year and it becomes so
easy to get down.
For
some people, it is a reminder of past hurt that makes the holidays
more difficult. For
some, it can be the financial crunch of giving that causes anguish.
Regardless of the reason, many of us have a tough time just
getting through this four or five-week stretch.
Sometimes we just need to find a way to keep our chins from
dragging on our chests.
I’d like to offer a quick fix to help us get through the holiday
season.
When
things are getting you down, put your head down.
No, you didn’t read that wrong.
I am not saying that you need to sulk around with your tail
between your legs, or that you lay down and mope, I’m saying, get
busy! Now is the time
to totally submerse yourself in something, anything.
That might mean your work or career or even a project or
hobby that you have interest in doing.
Take this time to get yourself so involved with it that you
don’t have time and energy to stop and think about all the nonsense
that puts you back in a destructive state of mind.
Make yourself too busy to be bothered by the negative
influences, distractions and thoughts.
This
quick busy-ness will force you to be totally in the present.
The best characteristic about living in the moment is that
worry and the stress that accompanies worry, can’t exist in the
present. You see, worry
always stems from what might happen in the future and those thoughts
usually occur because of something that has happened in the past.
So living completely in the present eliminates worry.
Becoming consumed by an activity, and refusing to allow
yourself to wander emotionally, is a way of forcing this to happen.
There is a
downside to this exercise, in that it means creating a feverish pace
when energy may be hard to come by, but pulling yourself out of a
rut is not supposed to be easy.
They don’t pull cars out of the ditch with a VW bug.
You’re going to have to simply tie your ears back, put your
head down, and make the decision to do SOMETHING.
Then, do it continuously and faithfully.
I met this guy
named Jim a long, long time ago. We hit it off immediately.
Although we might not have been the best of friends at the
beginning, we certainly had an awful lot of good times together. As
a much older guy, he became the epitome of the term “Role Model.”
Much of who I am today can be directly traced back to what he taught
me.
Everyone has
role models, whether we want to admit it or not. If one is
considered a “good” person, most of the time there was a positive
example by which that personality was molded after. In contrast, if
one is perceived as a “bad” person, there was either a poor
influence to blame or no influences whatsoever form which to learn.
Jim was, and still is, my role model.
He is
perhaps the most solid person, morally, I have ever known. His
intentions and motives are never questionable. He always puts great
thought into what he says and teaches. He has a great grasp for what
is important for the here and now as well as down the road. He is
the first person I refer to for advice. Regardless of the problem, I
can either depend on him for guidance or anticipate what he would do
or say in the same circumstances.
Numerous times
he has helped me stay my course. Even when he disagreed, he never
stopped caring enough to give his opinion without confrontation. I
regret allowing our friendship to lapse for I often wonder how much
better off I would be if I would have had the maturity to continue
learning from my first and best friend I ever had.
As I try to be a
role model for others, I usually find that emulating Jim is the
surest bet for doing so. I hope you also have a role model to
pattern yourself after. This idea is not just for kids growing up.
As adults, we can never stop evolving as people and having this role
model of your own can keep you going in a positive direction.
I know that I am
a good person and I do my best to live with the best intentions for
me, my family and those around me. I have Jim to thanks.
A few days
before Halloween, I took my kids to Wal-Mart for some costumes.
My youngest was the cutest little green dinosaur you’ve ever
seen! Anyway, while we
were there I caught myself humming along to some music that was
playing. It turns out
it was Jingle Bells.
Jingle Bells? Jingle
Bells! It wasn’t even
the end of October!
What are people thinking?
Aren’t we rushing the season just a little bit?
I remember when
my mom would begin her Christmas shopping the day after
Thanksgiving. I
remember because we were all still turkey-sick and couldn’t leave
the couch, but she would be off and running to hit the ‘black
Friday’ sales.
Society has
certainly sped up, there is no denying that, but should we skip
Thanksgiving? I know
that most families are scattered throughout the country, and getting
together isn’t nearly as easy as it was years ago, but in our rush
to buy presents and to ring in the New Year, is it really worth
missing altogether?
Thanksgiving is
such an important concept, not just the holiday, but the mindset.
Thanksgiving is the complete opposite of entitlement, or
selfishness. Is it that
we don’t believe we have anything to be thankful for?
That can’t be it!
It is really
hard to holler at the driver next to you if you are remembering to
be thankful that you can afford a car.
It is VERY difficult to shout at your wife for leaving the
toothpaste tube uncapped (AGAIN!) when you realize how thankful you
are that she loves you, lives with you and tolerates you!
It is almost impossible to ground your daughter for getting
home 15 minutes past curfew when you take a moment to be thankful
for the time you have your kids under your roof.
How much better
would your life be if you carried thankfulness with you every day?
What would happen if for just one day you remembered all that you
have to be thankful for?
This has become
a hot topic in my house.
My wife’s favorite holiday of all is Thanksgiving.
She takes it SERIOUSLY.
Not the cooking, mind you, but the mindset.
She won’t even allow the subject of Christmas to come up
until the last crumb of pumpkin pie is wiped up!
Lori’s family
had a tradition of writing thankfulness lists in preparation for the
holiday. Then when they
gathered together, they would each read their lists out loud before
they ate. I’ve had the
privilege of seeing some of the old lists, and I have to say, they
bring tears to your eyes.
Words of gratitude and joy and hope fill the pages.
Powerful stuff.
I think a good
dose of Thanksgiving is a phenomenal cure for depression, anger,
self-centeredness and hate.
It would do us all some good.
We need it now more than ever.
Slow down, take
a moment to remember your gifts, and be thankful.
An
old roommate of mine had the cute, fat, lovable dog named Sam.
Sure he was a Pit Bull, but he was cuddly and fun to play
with. Yet every second
I was with him, the thought that I must stay in his good graces was
never far from my mind.
Because I knew that regardless what kind of physical shape he was
in, if I made him mad enough he could remove various appendages
without much problem.
On
occasion I would give him his walk and I would take him down to the
end of the street where a Doberman Pinscher lived within a fenced
yard. It would amuse me
to see the fuss and commotion the Doberman would make towards Sam.
The Doberman obviously felt that he needed to bark profusely
in order to intimidate other dogs.
Sam did not.
It was
astounding to witness the complete confidence and maturity of this
dog. He would simply
trot along the road without a care in the world.
He would only give an occasional look over his shoulder as if
to say to that other dog, “You know as well as I do that if there
wasn’t a fence between us I would tear you into small unidentifiable
pieces”. Instead of
escalating the situation by barking back, Sam always took the high
road. He walked away
from the fight, even though he knew he could do it if he had to.
It was pretty cool to watch.
I
think that every one of us can carry ourselves in this same manner.
I believe we can all take the high road and avoid
confrontation and still walk away with our heads high.
There are still too many people in our society who refuse to
take this high road.
People that believe they must stand up and argue, or even fight
whenever their ego gets threatened.
People who see intimidation as a means of raising their own
self-worth and confidence.
On
the other hand, I don’t believe you should allow others to
intimidate or bully you either.
My hope is that you can understand when you can walk away
from confrontation, yet hold your ground with confidence and
maturity. If this is
never learned, than we become no better than the wild animals trying
to establish a pecking order.
We should be above that by now, don’t you think?
One of the best
quotes I ever heard was from a semi-famous 80’s music star named
Lyle Lovitt. He was
asked, “how does someone like you end up marrying somebody as
beautiful and successful as Julia Roberts?”
His response was simply; “I was the only one that asked for
the job.” What a great
statement that is. How
many times in our lives have we passed up great opportunities
because we didn’t have the guts to ask?
The Bible says
that if we ask for something, “then we shall receive.”
So, if you go ask your boss for a raise, does that mean you
will automatically receive one?
I don’t think so.
What it means is whatever life you truly have a desire to
build for yourself, you are allowed to do so.
You do not have to ask someone else for permission.
It is not up to other people to create your life.
All you have to
do is ask yourself for permission to go after your dreams.
You are the one who ultimately decides what you want just as
you are the one who has to take the necessary action to obtain it.
The question then becomes; Are you willing to do what it
takes to get what you ask for?
Are you willing to make the appropriate sacrifices?
If so, then you shall receive it.
10, 20 or even
30 years from now, are you going to look back and wish you had
pushed yourself to do and become more?
Will you second-guess the decisions you made?
Will you have the satisfaction of knowing you did everything
you could? I will leave
you with a poem from my favorite self-help book of all time called
“Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill to illustrate my point.
And life would pay no
more,
However I begged at
evening
When I counted my scanty
store.
For life is a just
employer,
He gives you what you
ask,
But once you have set
the wages,
Why you must bear the
task.
I worked for a menial’s
hire,
Only to learn, dismayed,
That any wage I had
asked of life,
Life would have willingly paid.”
If you sprain or
break an ankle, the doctor gives you crutches.
The doctor instructs you to make use of the crutches for
about 4 – 6 weeks, or until you can place reasonable pressure on the
ankle with minimal discomfort.
You are not told to use them for the rest of your life.
The crutches are very useful tools.
There are used to aid in the healing process.
They allow you to continue on with your life instead of lying
around motionless for the next six weeks.
The reason for
this obvious explanation is to discuss the other not so obvious
crutches in our lives.
I have heard speakers talk about crutches that people might employ
in order to escape, hide or sabotage certain areas of their lives.
These crutches usually include things like alcohol, drugs, or
eating. But they also
can take the form of television, surfing the net, long lonely walks,
sports, reading or shopping.
Any activity that one might do in order to occupy the brain
enough to temporarily elude reality can be construed as a crutch.
Most of the time
this is considered a negative reaction.
It’s looked down upon as something to avoid doing.
“Stop running from your issues and face the problem”, is what
most people think is good advice.
Worse yet, when people realize that this is what they are
doing, they chastise themselves for doing it.
I don’t know
about you, but my life has had a sprained ankle or two.
I have had times when my life needed crutches.
If my life has been in turmoil, I try to find ways to give my
mind some help with the healing process.
I may have come to the end of an exceptionally hard day and
wanted some time to heal.
I personally call this my “Veg Time”.
This is time when I completely unwind with something fairly
mindless, yet active.
The point is to occupy myself to a point where my mind doesn’t run
wild and cause additional stress and fatigue.
For me, this might include basketball, a computer game, or
TV. Yes, sometimes I
might even have a beer from time to time.
I use these
crutches knowingly and purposely for my own good.
I know that I need time to regenerate my energy and focus.
More importantly, I understand that this behavior is
extremely temporary.
RELYING on this behavior is what leads to “Abuse”.
Now I am not advocating alcohol and drug use in any way, but
what I am suggesting that if you feel the need to wallow in front of
your TV set for an evening or two all is not lost.
If you use
crutches such as these to get yourself through the tough times, it’s
probably ok as long as it doesn’t become a normal part of everyday
life. Constant pressure
and stress can takes it’s toll on even the strongest individual, so
if you need a break, then take it.
It’ll get you back in the game much quicker.
Confidence was
never a problem for a past client of mine until it came to the
dating thing. Looks are
not an issue with her and she has a great personality.
So my job as her Success Coach is to tell her all the great
things about her to help her feel as confident in this area as well.
But I took a different approach.
One day she began telling me about a guy that was showing a
romantic interest in her.
I had already known that she lacked some confidence in this
area so I asked her in a very rude and direct manner, “Why would he
do that? What’s so
great about you?” She
was immediate and swift with her response as she gave me an
extensive list of all the reasons why any guy would love to be
involved with her.
There are times
when I can tell that my clients actually carry a high opinion of
themselves, yet are reluctant to believe it.
If a friend of yours decides to take a verbal chop at your
character, behavior or personality….
I put them on
the defensive. When
someone questions your character or fires some verbal attack at you,
how do you respond?
Last week I wrote my column I standing up for yourself and not
allowing yourself to be bullied by others.
This week I want to expand on this thought.
Many of us lose
our confidence from time to time.
For some it is rather dramatic and frightening while for
others it is a just a short phase that will be forgotten tomorrow.
Our self-esteems
need to here ourselves tell others how great we are.
The sub-conscious mind needs to here itself voice it’s
appreciation for a job well done.
If you truly are a good person at heart, than don’t be afraid
to tell yourself or others.
Next time you
are in a funk, depression or bad mood, have a pre-written statement
that you can refer to in order to boost your mind back in line.
Argue with yourself every time self-doubt raises it’s
internal voice.
Truth or Dare!!
The anxiety that rises to the surface when saying those words
is excruciating. I
would love to go into detail about my experience with Truth or Dare,
but the humiliation and embarrassment is too much.
Let’s just say that being a teenager and dealing with peer
pressure was as tough back then as it is now.
Doing something
on a dare is usually foolish at best, yet often times, is rather
exhilarating. When
another person challenges you to either take a dare or not, how do
you react? Do you and
your ego step up and accept, or do you weigh your options carefully?
Are you a cautious person who seldom takes unnecessary
chances or can you throw that caution to the wind and go for it?
What if the
person making the challenge is you?
What if you dare yourself to do something “wild” and
uncomfortable? This is
an experience every one of us has felt before and we are all very
familiar with this feeling.
I know few of us actually do every thing we dare ourselves to
do. Like wise, few of
us never take any chances what so ever.
The important stat to determine here is how often you “Do
What You Dare.”
Would your life
be better off if you “did what you dared” more often?
I can almost guarantee that it would be.
The thing is that these are the times we grow the most.
Doing things that make us uncomfortable allows us to learn so
much about ourselves, especially if the outcome is not what we
desired. Most dares
involve uncertainty and confidence.
Doing things we are unsure we can actually accomplish gives
us the opportunity to not only test our abilities, but recognize how
we react to unfamiliarity.
Maybe you wished
you could have quit that job and started a business at home or maybe
you are kicking yourself for “chickening out” with a past crush.
I have no idea what your past regrets are, and in fact it
doesn’t really matter.
The only thing that truly matters is how you will react next time
when an opportunity arises to test yourself.
Will you take the “safe route” or will you “Do What You
Dare?”
Do you live in
fear? All tied up in
knots about what you’re going to do with your life?
Going through a major life transition or starting to venture
out of your comfort zone can lead to an immense amount of fear.
I have worked with many clients consumed by the fear of the
unknown future. I have
found that one trick to living with fear is to understand how
necessary fear can be.
When your
fingers touch the orange bars inside the oven, you quickly feel a
strong pain. Obviously
the pain causes you to be aware of possibly being burned.
It is very important that your body maintains the ability to
feel pain in order to keep you from burning yourself.
Pain is good.
The amount of pain you feel is also important.
The level of pain you would experience is often reflective of
how much danger there is.
Fear works much
the same way; it can “protect” us by acting as a warning device for
potential harm or discomfort.
The problem is that most things that are in our “best
interest” can be scary and uncomfortable.
Therefore these fears can hinder us from doing things that
could be good for us.
Whether it’s a career change or filing for a divorce, making tough
decisions about our future can cause an awful lot of fear.
All of us have been faced with these tough choices and the
fears that come with them.
Sometimes we act on those fears by pulling away or avoiding
the decision. We know
in our head that we would be better off in the long run, but the
uncertainty of the unknown was stronger than the possible benefits.
In a backwards
sort of way, the great thing about fear is that the more you have
the better.. You see
fear only occurs if there is a certain level of value placed on the
object at risk. Since
most of the time the object at risk is you or your emotional state,
having fear shows that you consider yourself to have value.
Therefore fear is a good thing.
If you are
completely consumed by fears of your current well-being, this means
you place a substantial value on you and your current state of mind.
If you have strong fears about where you are going in life,
then this means you actually see great potential in yourself.
Both of these ideas can be used to manage your fears.
Some exercises
to help manage fears:
-
Surround
yourself with people that will support you and your decisions
unconditionally.
-
Make a list
of past successes you can remember clearly.
You want to have something handy to reference as a
reminder that you ARE capable and you WILL make it.
-
Make a note
to yourself to evaluate the exact cause behind your current
fears whenever they arise.
Determine if you are truly in danger or you are simply
afraid of stretching your comfort zone.
If it’s the latter, stick with it.
It means you are growing.
I love to have
fun. I live for it.
It is my goal nearly each and everyday to find any
opportunity to create fun and excitement for myself and those around
me. As a matter of
fact, this very morning I am entering one of my favorite places on
the planet for unlimited fun and excitement, Cedar Point in
Yet, when I tell
some people about my trip, I am met with a variety of odd responses.
Some are happy for me, some are envious, but some responses
are outright puzzling.
Now I certainly understand that some people are not turned on about
being strapped in a car going 120 MPH that goes 420 feet in the air.
For some reason some people think that is just silly.
But when I talk about all the other facets of the park that
make it so interesting and fun, some still look puzzled.
It is as if having fun is so foreign to them they can’t
understand what I am so excited about.
It blows me away that there are people out there that don’t
think having fun is worth all the effort.
It’s almost like having fun is a waste of their time and
energy. How could this
be?
Does taking the
time to enjoy oneself actually become a bother to career and
lifestyle? Is it a
burden? It shouldn’t
be. I believe that many
people are ignorant when it comes to fun.
I believe they never learned how to enjoy themselves fully.
For some people it has become uncomfortable to let loose and
be silly and childish, and that seems like such a shame to me.
So many of these people wonder why they are so unhappy with
the status of their life.
Call me crazy,
but I always assumed that the purpose of struggling through this
life is to create a lifestyle that we could enjoy and appreciate.
So if this sounds anything like you, it’s time to get over
yourself and start learning how to have fun again.
Believe me, it is not as hard as it seems.
You were indeed a child before and can become one again.
Just go ahead and try it.
You never know, you might like it!
Everyone is
familiar with the word sub-conscious, but I am convinced few
actually know what it is and how important the sub-conscious mind
really is to the quality of our life.
Thus few have learned how to properly use or care for it.
So I am going to do my best to clarify.
The sub-conscious mind is like a garden.
Its purpose is to grow things.
If a garden is left unattended for a while, a variety of
weeds and grasses will grow.
If left unattended for a long time, the weeds will grow out
of control and overwhelm whatever you were trying to grow or, at the
very least, make it difficult to harvest.
A garden needs to be cared for consistently to thrive.
It needs water, sunlight and nutrients to create a decent
yield. This is true
regardless of what you would like to grow.
Of course different crops need slightly different or specific
care than others, but the process remains the same: clear the land,
plant seeds or trees, provide proper nutrition and sunlight, and
harvest when fully grown.
This is exactly how the sub-conscious mind works. If we put the proper time and effort into the cultivation of our own heads, the rewards we reap can be phenomenal. Negativity, or “weeds”, can destroy us. A lack of self-image, confidence and presence are all a result of